Prioritize Your Inner Child the Way Parents Prioritize Their Kids

Recently on the “No Labour Day Pains” Teleclass for Child-free Women to set new learning and growth intentions for the next 6-9 months, we had some good discussions around what our heart wants versus what we believe we have to do. 

It became clear as we shared, that there are inner child wounds or beliefs that were formed with our experiences with school when we were younger.  We were given a lot of feedback about who we should be, what we should do with our lives and what makes us a "good" person from teachers, parents and the school system. But very few people asked us what we care about.

The true guides or teachers care about what is in our hearts and encouraged this out of us. They didn't care if we got good grades, but rather they want to see what lit us up and inspired us.

For example, I loved English class.  It spoke about the realities and philosophies of people and the world. There was depth, meaning, ways of seeing in it that gave me a feeling of being understood in my life path, while also navigating the world around me. It took me to other places and gave me answers that I was looking for.  I loved literature. And it was the lowest mark I got in school.

I was great at math and accounting and typing. I was set up to be in the world a wonderful administrative assistant or business person.  My talents for the world weren’t what I cared about.  But it got me by, even to this day.  My inner yearning, though, was writing, reading and psychology. It was who I was at the core – a thinker and a feeler.

Recognizing this part of us that tunes into what we love, despite what others or the world wants from us, is part of our inner child.  As child-free women, we have a chance to grow within and tune into what really makes us happy, inspired, fulfilled or desiring to make a contribution to the world.  Because it is an invisible part of ourselves, it can feel like we can put it off, not listen to it, take care of the things around us and just keep going.   But what if you were to treat your inner child the way parents treat their own kids.  What if you said “no” at work because you had to take your inner child to piano lessons? Or you told your friends or family that they can’t come over because you are writing your book? Or you let go of a committee you are sitting on because your inner child wants to daydream, meditate and go for nature walks? You see, parents have an automatic “out” with certain obligations. As child-free women, it seems we have to find some excuses, outright lie or just take on more stuff because others think we have all the time in the world.

But your time, your inner child and what you do with it is what will lead you to staying balanced, healthy and whole. You need it just as much as the parent needs to spend time with their children (and inner child, for that matter!).

What boundaries can you set so your inner child is feeling inspired, fulfilled and energetic? 

If you would like to tune more into your passions, take a day away in nature and enjoy being with other child-free women who are living their path of truth, please come out to the Nourish Your Inner Donkey Self-Discovery Day for Child-free Women.  We all have the silly, wise fool of the donkey in each of us – and we need it to enjoy a life of meaning and purpose.  Click Here for More Details    

Child-free Woman as Peacemaker

Conflicts and violence have been a big part of human history and we seem to be seeing more of it, especially because of the media’s immediate coverage and responses.  Tensions abound, fear of the other, and general ignorance seems to be taking over. 

Many sages and teachers say that to truly have peace on earth, we need to find peace within.  When we are stressed or drained or over-committed, we tend to step out of the present and feel threatened by every detail.  We also can become rigid or isolated because of having too much to do.  This is what I see in most people who are parents nowadays.  The requirements, obligations and necessities and social rules take over, and before they know it, they are beholden to their children’s lives. Even the strongest and most empowered parents, still have the stresses of caregiving.  Not that we don’t, as we may have our own responsibilities as child-free people and we may do caregiving for older parents, or other people’s children from time-to-time, or our own projects. But we aren’t tied to them the way parents are.

Because of this, I believe that Child-free Women have the beautiful chance to be the peacemakers of the world.  As women, many us have naturally been conditioned to be relationship-oriented (whether we like it or not) and tend to have a keen intuition or sense of group dynamics.  As Child-free people, we often have open minds, can see the big picture, and we tend to work on behalf of the collective well-being.  We also aren’t as attached to family loyalties, giving us the chance to see people for who they are, not the roles we want them to be in our lives.  We can spend our time finding our centre within, staying connected to the part of us that can make wiser choices rather than reactive choices.  

Ultimately, the combination of being a Child-free Woman means we have the capacity to bring more peace, love and connection to humanity and the world around us.

Many of us have a mission that can quietly or overtly benefit the world around us, usually with very little acknowledgment of our own hearts, unless we actively seek validation and recognition from our community.  We are community leaders, changemakers or social connectors, whether it be in our volunteering, day-to-day interactions, for non-profits, as entrepreneurs or in our corporate jobs.  We are rocking it somewhere through our capacity to relate with many.

For me, aside from supporting child-free women, I want to make the change in the world to end violence against women and sexism.  I also want to be an example of natural health and minimalistic living, as ways to honour all of earth’s habitants.  Feminine spirituality, divine connection and intuitive awareness are all important to me, as well.

What about you? What change do you want to make in the world as a child-free woman?

Being Committed to Yourself

The path of the child-free woman by choice is one that is unique.  It means we start our path of self-discovery  and tend to know the power of making choices. Even if the simple choice is: “I don’t want to have kids”. 

We can choose whether or not to continue to make empowering choices that lead to our self-awareness and personal freedom throughout our lifetime. We have the strength to make choices that aren’t necessarily socially conforming, but keep us true to ourselves.

Now I’m not saying that mothers don’t do this. Many of them make empowering choices in how they raise their children.  However, at least for those mothers who are active and embracing that path, they usually make a lot of self-sacrificing choices.

I have seen mothers have to wait until their middle age when the kids have grown up, to get back to themselves and what they enjoy. They have spent much of their years and energy on raising the kids and maintaining the semblance of family. 

Now it’s not to say we don’t struggle with similar issues. Our youth can make us over-extend ourselves to others out of people pleasing, and we can fall into the typical pattern most girls and women are conditioned, which is to put others’ needs before our own. 

As child-free women, we have the chance to shift this pattern that has been deeply engrained in the psyche of most women on the planet. The martyr archetype or the mothering role is deep within us, and it can lead to a whole host of problems, including health issues, feeling dissatisfied or withstanding a whole lot of abuse and neglect out of blind loyalty.

Shifting it means learning how to say ‘no’, making inner commitments to ourselves that we promise not to let go of, becoming assertive and tuning into our feelings, truth and intuition on a daily basis to gain the wisdom and insight needed for our lives. It’s having the courage to let go of relationships that are not mutually respectful and satisfying, a willingness to go it alone at times and speaking without shame or hiding about who we are and we are not.  All of this requires an ability to know our limits, desires, goals and truth, and communicating them to others with self-assuredness.

Committing to yourself can move mountains. It can bring in relationships with others who have shared interests. It can create a life for yourself that aligns with who you are and your personal rhythm. It can take you on new adventures. It can help you establish a deep peace within yourself that creates wonderful self-acceptance.

I would encourage you to commit something to yourself that is connected to you, regardless of anyone else’s opinion.  You’ve already done it with choosing to be child-free. Now let’s take it to another level!

For me, I’m committed to:

-holistic healing

-being a writer

-minimalism

Being committed to this makes sure I centre everything I do and I am about around these three things.  I have found my fiancé who is a musician (so open and supportive of the arts) and loves to live simply and renting (we won’t be buying a house or tons of property, which works well for both of us).  On the holistic healing front, well, that’s still not his thing, but it’s the one area I get to bring to the relationship.  He is learning a lot from me and it improves my ability to teach others who may not know or understand. But he’s not resistant to it and he knows it’s part of my path.

These commitments are my inner compass that keep me in my truth, regardless of others’ opinions, preferences or lifestyle choices. It makes me love who I am in entirety.

I would love to hear about your 3 commitments and how they help you live a stronger, more directed life that honours who you are. Please send me an email to: child.free.heart@gmail.com

Child-free Women and the Ancestral Lineage

There is a saying in indigenous spiritual traditions that believes that when we leave the spirit world to incarnate on earth, our ancestors cry at losing us and our earth family rejoices. When it is our time to return, those in spirit rejoice at seeing us again and our earth family mourns.  This gives us the sense that there is some reason or mission we are here to complete in the world, that made us leave the divine love of our spirit friends and join the earth plane of suffering.

In the past 8 years, I’ve delved deeply into the psyche of family and ancestral patterns through Family and Soul Constellations work.  The work has fascinated me because it helps clients see the blind spots and generational patterns that keep wanting to be expressed, no matter how difficult or painful it is. It brings meaning, clarity and understanding to that which is hidden or unknown. Tensions get released. Support can be brought in. Connection can happen.  We grow in our personal humility and wisdom.

The premise of Soul Constellations work is that we will often carry the burdens and challenges of our ancestors – people we may or may not have met.  There is just something in us that is drawn to the circumstances, dynamics and fates that our ancestors have experienced.

Through an embodied process, we start acknowledging their path with acceptance and even compassion. We then free ourselves from having to work out the issues that they faced and start living our lives.  It is known that our ancestors truly do want us to be happy and free, but they also want the respect and acknowledgment to be sure their lives were not lived in vain.

For child-free women by choice, we are in a unique position in the family system.  We have actively claimed that we don’t want to continue the ancestral line.  Some of us may have had abortions and miscarriages as part of our process. We may have had to make tough choices, choices in the face of family pressure. Or it may be because we have been deeply hurt by our family system that we have decided not to carry forward the dysfunction. There may be an aspect of us that rejects the people we have come from, or we want to be victorious over a family pattern, such as women forsaking their dreams and happiness for the sake of child-rearing.  Or there just may be circumstances behind you where there was war and suffering, and you innately know that it is not safe to bring a child into the world out of protecting an innocent person from that fate.  Another possibility is that we may come from strong women role models who encouraged us to stand in our freedom and truth and take a non-traditional path as a woman.

Regardless of why, we know within our gut that we want to be free, but we may end up holding ourselves back in ways we don’t even realize.  We may attract loveless relationships, or sabotage our careers.  All because we don’t want to be bigger than our parents, grandparents or great grandparents. We stay small in some way.

My aim as a Soul Constellations facilitator for Child-free Women is to support you in your becoming and to help you shed the past and what is holding you back – whether in loyalties to your parents and ancestors, or limited beliefs.  I see you as the one who is ready and able to shed the family karma in your system, bringing true freedom, peace and actualization of all of your ancestors’ hopes, dreams, struggles and victories. You have the chance to truly know the joy of living, and make a big difference in the lives of others.

I saw a quote while I was living in Oaxaca by an Aztec poet.  It said something to the effect that the one who does not have children is the one in the family who is tying up the knots of the family quilt.  I truly believe this in my heart and soul and honour those who are here to complete the work that is needed so they may return to their spiritual home when they pace with peace of heart and mind.  

Please join me at the Embrace Your Heart Healing Retreat Series for Child-free Women in Guelph to explore and free yourself from all that is keeping you contained or withheld from actualizing your life.  We will do Soul Constellations work there among other wonderful activities and techniques.

Child-free Women as Friends of the Goddess

When I was in my early 20s, my mother gave me a meditation book called “365 days of the Goddess” and my sister gave me a Goddess Oracle deck.  Since then I’ve had an on-again-off-again fascination of the Goddess Path. 

Women came in and out of my life who would wear the Goddess symbol, make beeswax candles, or do fabulous paintings depicting the Goddess. They would be healers or artists or writers. They seemed deeply satisfied and connected to who they were, and I wanted that kind of magic. 

I’ve explored various paths to the Goddess – the Avalonian Path, Wiccan Path, the Christian Mystical Path, the Buddhist Path, and the Reiki path.  All of them had various elements in them that I have learned a great deal from. Some have more complicated rituals, others feel more like a knowing and a connection, and still others are about manifestation and seeing the deeper archetypes within oneself. 

Whenever I would stray away from the Goddess path and choose something more modern in my spirituality like Law of Attraction, Basic Meditation, or yoga, there would still be something missing in it for me – like I needed that connection to a divine being within me and around me, and one that was deeply compassionate about the woman’s journey, need for prayer and connection to the moon cycles.  The spiritual path felt empty without the presence of Her within and around me, and it was up to me how I wanted to relate with Her, in a way that matches who I am and my values.

As I’ve been exploring this path of the Goddess and the Child-free Woman, I’ve learned quite a few things.  The first is that many Priestesses who are now known as Goddesses were Child-free by Choice. Women who didn’t want to take the traditional path of motherhood would plead to the Gods and Goddess and the Priestesshood that they could serve the divine and the community henceforth.  She became a divine channel and vessel to serve the community in whatever way needed.  We see how this also manifested later on with patriarchal religions that made women take a vow of celibacy to the serve the Lord as nuns.

The second thing I have learned is that many Priestesses were seers and healers, and they would be consulted as the wise women of the community because they could see the big picture.  It was understood that they had the wisdom and detachment to be able to provide clear guidance without having a vested interest in child-rearing.  There was a lot of respect for who she was, which is quite different than how it is now in our world.  Parents respected her voice and guidance for their kids.

Another element of the Goddess Path and its reclamation is that it is connected to a woman’s liberation path. It is meant to help a woman in the attainment of her wholeness, well-being, potential and capacity to make a social impact in the world. Being child-free is an act of empowerment in and of itself.  Choosing not to be a mother is one step towards women choosing what they do and don’t want in their lives.  (This isn’t to say that being a mother is not liberated, just that the act of not choosing is a step towards personal freedom).

I have also come to understand that Child-free Women are not on the path of mothering, they are on the path of friendship.  It’s a simple but nuanced difference. Mothering implies nursing, raising, feeding and dealing with the day-to-day tasks of child-rearing or even having a dominant say in how things go in the lives of others.  Whereas, friendship is about a mutually beneficial exchange of care, respect and boundaries with others. The obligations and expectations are not the same and it is about seeing each other through the eyes of our true natures rather than the prescribed roles of parenting.  So the approach to the Goddess is one of forming an inner friendship with oneself and all beings, including the Goddess Herself. When we find friendship within and around us, we make choices that then serve the Goddess that is meant for Child-free Women. For example, if I need to heal a critical voice within me that says I’m not good enough and it’s leading me into self-sabotage, then I will see how others are operating with that inner voice and be way more compassionate with them and find a way to help them.

I would love to hear your take on the Goddess path for Chlid-free Women. I believe it’s a relatively new exploration in this way of acknowledging a woman positive spirituality.  If you would like to explore further, please join me for monthly Goddess Meditations & Friendship Circles for Child-free Women by Choice in Toronto.  You can email me for more info: heather@blossomingheart.ca

Blessed be to the Goddess within you,

Heather Embree
www.childfreeheart.ca

The Power of Kinship

At the Summer Solstice, I received the message from the land and the fire that this coming cycle is about kinship and support.  It was interesting to me that the term "kinship" was used, not the term "friendship".  Which made me think about how this applies to the Child-free community.

Kinship is an even deeper bond than friendship. There is something "family" about it. Where similar jokes, perspectives, life position all play a part, even if there is diversity in lives and lifestyles amongst us.  It's like a sisterhood, which will include varying voices, preferences and relationships, but at the core a connection that is beyond time.

Throughout history, child-free women have walked a lonely path. We have either been scapegoated, deemed invisible or pitied by the family-dominated world.  Society hasn't seen a necessity for us to gather and share, and so many of us just walk an independent path even believing that we don't have needs for support.  Which is absolutely insane because everyone needs support.  In fact, studies have shown that the most successful people in life are those that have a strong community.

This is why I wanted to create social gatherings and retreats for Child-free Women. We need space to laugh, joke, release emotions, share our stories and have compassion for the difficulties of living in a world that pressures us to love babies and have them.  We need a space to affirm and claim for ourselves that we have different dreams and goals than mothers do and a lifestyle that meets our needs and unique path.  We are meant to live closer to our truth, of what is really in our hearts, not out of social obligation. But it's hard to do that and keep the strength and courage alive when there aren't others who give us feedback.  


If you would like to connect to more child-free kin, I'd suggest the following:

1) Join the Persephone's Heart Society -- a free online community

2) Come to a Meetup.com event in Peterborough, Toronto or Guelph if you live in those areas

3) Come to a Retreat for Child-free Women

The Healing Path of Being a Child-free Woman

Many people think that Child-free Women don’t have any problems. Just because we aren’t chasing kids to school or figuring out how to balance work and parenting, there is a belief that we are in a place of ease and joy all the time and we don’t have any needs. 

But I beg to differ.  We have unique challenges and dynamics that have led to stress and relationship difficulties. There is a different loneliness or path of the Child-free Woman that requires healing.  Much of it is rooted in the regular bumps and bruises of life, but also from the very experience of being “different than the pack”. 

As Child-free Women, we have the chance to heal core wounds that have blocked us from our joy, freedom and happiness – this can come in the form of negative or false inner beliefs, carrying different perspectives than the masses, relationship conflicts, emotional challenges and moral dilemmas.  Many of us may not even know where to begin to scratch the surface. Or some of us may have spent years in therapy and already have that understanding.

For myself and from my experience doing metaphysical healing for 7 years, I’ve come to learn about the power of stress (inner and outer) on the well-being of a person.  All of us will know that being a mother is stressful, 90% of the time – no matter if the child is easy going or not. It’s usually one of the many reasons why people choose not to have kids (I’m one of those people and I know I’d have a nervous breakdown if I did have them).   But there is also hidden stress that comes in and is unique for Child-free Women. 

Here are some examples:

Stress of being different than the pack – on a fundamental level, we all want and need to feel we belong.  Anyone who strays outside of the mainstream and biologically dominant cultural way of doing this will feel alone, nervous, isolated, misunderstood and abandoned.  As a child-free woman – that is someone who chooses not to have kids, which is different than someone who wants to have them –she is essentially saying that she is leaving the pack of women who are innately conditioned or expected to birth something out of her womb. She is saying “no” to something that is considered a fundamental quality of physical life on the planet.

Psychological stress of an identity crisis or a sense of not knowing one’s unique self and gifts.  This can come in for those child-free women who don’t have a circle of friends, family or community who acknowledge her unique path of not having kids.  If all she is surrounded by is mothers and baby talk, a child-free woman can feel lost, confused, in self-doubt and wondering if there is something weird about her.

Relationship stress that can come from emotional abuse and neglect with people who can’t relate or belittle her choice to be child-free.  It can also be stressful to be in a position of watching kids being mistreated and feeling powerless and unable to do anything about it as the aunt or citizen.  

On top of that, there are judgments, criticisms and jealousies that child-free women can get from mothers. There is the difficulty of having to resist the pressures and expectations may have of you to care for their kids or engage in their stress.

It can also come in if there is a conflict you may have with a partner who suddenly wants kids. Or you can’t find a person who is on the same page as you in the lifestyle of being child-free. 

Childhood Wounds stress – many child-free people decided not to have kids because they didn’t want to pass on the stress, abuse, neglect or suffering to the next generation. They may still hold wounds from childhood that need to be processed but are still affecting their adult lives – things like anxiety, depression, self-criticism, feeling rejected, loneliness...are all by-products of childhood wounds.

Save-the-World stress -- oh yes – the feeling that because one doesn’t have kids that one needs to do more and more and more to help the world. I’ve been there and am still there. I have a desire to help a lot of humanity to come to peace and well-being and love within and with each other. This can lead to burnout stress and something that many child-free women struggle with.

Regular ol’ everyday life stress – just like everybody else, child-free people have the regular ups and downs of life, money, health, losses, insecurities that affect us.  We got those problems, too!

This is why I’ve created the Embrace Your Heart Year-long Healing Series in the Guelph-area with my friend and colleague Roxana Roshon.  

We will be incorporating our knowledge of alternative healing, spirituality and being child-free to support the process of coming into balance, peace, self-awareness and creative expression.  These will be retreat days that will help us redefine our self-image, connect to nature, and feel self-love and self-acceptance infuse into our beings.

Our first retreat will be on Sunday July 16^th from 9:30 a.m. to 6 p.m. The focus will be on “The Story of Your Soul” to help you heal and find inner strength and meaning with some of the challenging experiences you’ve had in your life. We will do some family-of-origin and ancestral healing to have you stand in your truth and light without guilt, fear or abandonment. 

There will be other retreats, too, so please stay tuned to the web site at: www.childfreeheart.com for more information.

Here’s to being a happy, free and healthy child-free woman!