Being a True Friend

Our world has a desire to put people into roles, and to create expectations of who we should be.  Many become parents and take on a certain identity or position of power, believing this is what it means to be an adult. Their focus is on raising the kids, as it should be, but it can be a distraction from doing the inner work of becoming healthier people in their community and circle.   For me, I know that when a friend would become pregnant or they were raising kids, our friendship could only go so deep. The children were a priority.  Which is fine, I get it. 

But as a child-free woman growing in self-love and self-awareness, I learned to set boundaries about who I allow in close to me. In my love circle, I only allow emotionally available people. I choose people who are present to who I am and I support them in who they are.  I find that it is often a one-way street in relationships with new parents or those with young children.  So I don’t put a lot of emotional investment in them. 

I have room in my life for parents of young kids, but they will be closer to the acquaintance-friend category for me, at least until the kids get older.  Some people will disagree with me, and that is fine.  I just know that all healthy relationships require an equal balance of give and take.  Parents of young kids don't have a lot to give others because their focus is elsewhere, which it should be. They can cultivate the friends who are also parents and get them at that stage of life. 

Which makes me realize that one of the great gifts of being without kids, is that I have grown and continue to do so, in having the mindset of being a friend.  I’m like this with young people, adults and my pet friends.  It means that I listen closely, respect the other being for who they are and what is in their hearts, and try to encourage them or offer some words of advice.

I am not into reprimanding or punishing someone, or having to make them do things against their will – like taking them to school if they don’t want to.  (Though with Max the dog, I do have to tell him to settle down when he barks too much).  

I also don’t want to give a false sense to someone that I own them or they have to relate with me if they don’t want to.  This is a program in most of us with families – that we have to be the loyal child or sibling just because we share the same DNA and upbringing. When the truth is that there can be a lot of wounds and mistrust from that relationship.

Most of all, though, I get to have emotional presence for others. Others get to feel seen and heard and ultimately loved and understood. I crave that from others, as well.  

Being a friend is a wonderful gift and one that I feel many child-free people have the chance to be for the world.  It brings in unconditional love, humour, sharing and no expectations for another to be a certain way.  To truly be a great friend requires, time, inner work and emotional presence – qualities that a lot of parents with young kids just don’t have much of unless it’s connected to their lifestyle. 

What does true friendship mean to you? Are there true friends in your life? What is one special thing you can do for them? What kind of a friend do you want to be?