Family, Ancestors and Being Child-free

I’ve never been a family person.  I have found most family dynamics to be abusive, neglectful and painful.  It could be because of being a child of divorce, or seeing abusive dynamics in the home, or knowing that each family member was feeling hurt, misunderstood and betrayed because of the severe lack of communication, connection and boundaries.  Either way or for whatever reasons – personal and collective, I find the family unit to be terrifying, abandoning and down-right domineering and toxic.  Even the most caring of families, still have their silent codes of agreement that can block a person from being in their truth, strength and joy.

There's gossip, presumptions, expectations and unspoken demands. To me it can be another form of gang warfare and bullying. I’ve been the bully and I’ve been bullied in my family. It’s just all bad and everyone had to get away from each other because the only way we brought out the best in each other was from conflict that led to isolation which led to having to strengthen oneself.

So when I went into the work of Family Constellations, created by Bert Hellinger, I was hesitant. The last thing on the planet I wanted to do was re-connect to family systems and the ancestors.  I had actively worked hard to liberate myself from the insanity of family dynamics and find my own truth. Wasn’t it my family’s fault that I existed or was alive? Wasn’t it their yearning to have me be born that caused me to be on the planet of trauma? Wasn’t it their pain and suffering they passed on to me that made me want to self-destroy? Wasn’t it their lack of love and care that made my life a living hell at times? Why would I want to even engage with such people? I saw their shame and guilt and abusiveness in subtle and overt ways. I could see the ways the mothers and the fathers dominated and took the joy out of the hearts of everyone.

To be drawn back and asked to look at all the dynamics that kept me separated was not something I thought I’d ever wanted to do. But I had come to my path with many questions and painful experiences from leaving my family behind and wondered “Why me? Why did I have to be the one that questioned the family system? Why did I have to actually care about being conscious or that I wanted to be treated with dignity and respect?”  See, I’m of the belief that nothing good comes from the “family at all costs” mentality.  It’s rampant in our culture.  Instead of looking at why we turn a blind eye to the pedophile in the family, or we excuse grandpa from his past of physical abuse of our parent, or how the family’s narcissism has warped the young to be in beauty pageants and their self-worth is only connected to their looks, we have this blanket belief as a society that family must stick together.  Even if your family is a drug-dealing criminal ring. It’s family above all else.

As a child-free woman, I also had no desire to carry forward the family lineage. Yet, because of that, this also added to the wound within the family. There’s an automatic belief, which is probably true, that I’m rejecting my ancestors because I’m not willing to procreate.   One of the reasons I’m child-free is that I don’t want to bring forward the pain, suffering and darkness to the next generation, and that my family has given me such little support that I know I would end up as an impoverished single mother if I even went down that path. It required more courage and energy to do that than what I could muster and I’m not a sucker for punishment and suffering just for the sake of the mother code.

So what value do I see as a child-free woman in the ancestral lineage, doing Family Constellations work?

First of all, I see that it is a chance to resolve unknown pain within my energy field. It comes from the idea that once one person heals in the family system, then it heals past, present and future generations. From my experience with Constellations and with seeing parents and children, the purpose of embodiment is to grow in consciousness and to have the family system acknowledge unknown pain from the ancestors.  So essentially, children will carry forward the wounds and problems of the parents and the ancestors until the family system learns the lessons of love, wisdom and respect. Unfortunately, that means that innocent beings end up getting damaged and beaten up just being the sheer fact of being born and having to deal with the chaos of their human caregivers.

The premise is that when the balance of karma can be resolved, there is no need to procreate.

It reminds me of an Aztec saying I read while I was staying in Oaxaca City, Mexico that implied that if a person doesn’t have children in their lifetime it means they are tying the knots of the family quilt. This means that our work is done for our ancestors and family system and there is no need to continue it onwards.

Secondly, being a child-free woman is a particular position within the family system that often goes unsupported and may even be ridiculed. For me, I’m doing it for the mothers in my ancestral lineage who were unhappy and unfulfilled and couldn’t follow their dreams. I see their oppression, the abuse and the inequalities and I’m saying “stop the madness”. I’m doing it for the aunts in my system who couldn’t or didn’t want to have children and instead made a difference in society but were unsupported and unseen.  I’m doing it for the women who died during childbirth and never had a chance to reach their potential. I’m doing it for the men who felt unconsciously guilty for having all the power and are ready to see a woman step forward with her strength and independence. I’m doing it for the parents who were exhausted and depressed and filled with regrets for pro-creating. I’m doing it for all the people who got neglected because parenting took up all of their energy and they had to turn away from those in need. I’m doing it for the women who had abortions and miscarriages and didn’t have any societal support and were shamed. I’m doing it for the women who lost their children too soon. I’m doing it for the men who never wanted to be fathers but did it because the women got pregnant. I’m doing it for the smart girls and women who saw through the pressures and wanted to cultivate their intelligence but were ostracized and teased and condemned. I’m doing it for the Earth and all beings, knowing that humans are fundamentally destructive and can be very inconsiderate to beings outside of their own species or tribe.

For all of these reasons and probably more, I do it for my ancestors.

So as a Constellations Facilitator, I approach the work in a way where I want to see my clients move forward from their family, not towards them. I want them to see the deeper layers that keep them stuck in the loyalties of patterns of relating that make them want to join the pack in a "not-so-loving or healthy way". I take the teachings from the Constellations work that highlight the fact that most acts of evil are committed because of the powerful need to belong. 

I want to break that belonging cord and encourage each participant to question exactly why and how they are choosing to relate to the people and beings they do, so they can actually make a different, healthier and more informed choice and let go of the cycle of abuse and neglect.  This is why I changed the name to “Soul Constellations” rather than “Family Constellations” because it is about releasing all beings from the dysfunctionality so they can experience true sovereignty, peace and connection in their hearts, lives and bodies.

Now some will say I have a bias against families and that there is an evolutionary function to them. I would agree on both things. My bias against families is that I’ve seen far too much wounding and unhealthy attachments that people carry because of families. I support people creating a chosen family and something that can meet their needs creatively, emotionally and physically.   I would suggest that in order to create that in a healthy, clear and centred way, we do need to look at our family of origin so we are not perpetuating the dysfunction.  But to stay with the family system without examining it can be dangerous or at least depleting.  The truly evolutionary movement is about looking at each person and saying “no I will not accept that, but yes, I will accept this.” So, in essence, it is about moving away from them with a sense of understanding and compassion and inviting support for that which breaks the pain cycle. And if there is any forward movement or movement towards, it is done from a true heart-centred place rather than from a place of obligation, guilt or shame. I

Thisis about creating authentic relating rather than relating based on power dynamics.  It is also about respecting and honouring the ancestor who carried that suffering so you don’t have to and feel the strength of support available from past generations to continue on your path.

For example, from the work I have done on both sides of the family, I came to understand some key points on what motivates me in the world.  My ancestors came to North America from France, England, Ireland and Germany during the pioneering days.  They have lived in the States and Canada and fought in the Civil War.  I am sure they are responsible for the atrocities of the genocide of First Nations people but I don’t know exactly in what way.  I do know that leaving Europe came from their acts of rebellion against the Church and the Monarchy.  So for me, democracy and freedom are important values, along with reconciliation issues with the First Nations Peoples in Canada, and taking care of the Earth.  Women’s rights are on the forefront, as well, because of the suffering the women in my family had under patriarchal religion and I’m sure some of them were suffragists given their paths of leaving their families behind. 

Knowing these qualities of all the reasons my ancestors did what they did (good, bad and ugly), gives me a strength of purpose in the world and a vision to not take their journeys and struggles in vain.  It makes me step into a humble position rather than an “I don’t need ya” arrogant position, and ensures I stay compassionate to the frailty in all of us.

So if you’re wanting to step forward a little bit more on your path, and want to get the depth of understanding who you are and why you are where you are and how to get out of unconscious loyalties so you can have true freedom and peace, please consider signing up for The Child-free Legacy Package.  Because I want to see happier and more free women in the world.

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Heather Embree is a professional Intuitive, Child-free Mentor, Retreat Facilitator and Author.

She is a child-free woman who knew from a young age that she wanted to do other things with her life than raise and take care of children. She wanted to make a difference in the lives of others and the Earth, and come into her own creative potential. 

She supports child-free women to expand their spirits and fulfill their lives.  For more info, visit: www.TheChildfreeHeart.com

Your Child-free Legacy

On the life path, many of us feel a calling to make some kind of impact in the world, to have our influence that shows we existed and we mattered.

Many parents feel their legacy is through birthing kids and raising them – which means their name lives on, their quirks and things they care about are expressed through the generations, and they are seen in family photos long after they have died. Some pass on their businesses to the next generation, others do family charity events while others give the inheritance of property and money to the kids and grandkids. They are at least seen and acknowledged by the family for who they are, even if they were healthy or unhealthy people.

But what about your legacy when you don’t have children? How does that need get filled when you don’t have descendants? What makes you particularly special in the fact you didn’t have kids?  Where are your eternal gifts and influence going to be made to make the world a better place?

What if I were to tell you that your legacy has to do with the fact you chose (consciously or unconsciously) to be child-free in your family, and that you are part of the evolutionary step forward for your ancestors?  That the key to your fulfillment can be found in the faces of where you came from, giving you the strength, encouragement and support of making a difference amongst humanity? 

Often times, we think it is obvious – well, I’m child-free because I saw my mother suffering from being a single mother, or it was a difficult childbirth, or because I am gay and never wanted to fit into the traditional model of family. 

But I want to take it deeper, where you really tune into the reality of the consciousness (hopes, dreams, struggles and perspectives) that have shaped you and all those before you. Where you discover what it is that your lineage has been trying to work out through you, even though they may not be aware of it.

I will share with you my personal experience with this.  I have only been able to come to this from doing my own growth work with Family/Soul Constellations (which I can explain another time), meditation and support groups, which has formed my understanding so far.

My parents divorced when I was 3 years old and it was an ugly marriage breakup that still is rife with conflict to this day.  Both my parents admit that they never should have married in the first place, nor have kids, but they did it out of social pressure.  Both parents are non-conformists and rebels. They try to buck the system every chance they can get. My father is a gambling addict who chooses to opt out of the system, and my mother is an artist who married someone from a different cultural background, despite the white superiority in her family and with my father. It was her next “rebellious act” towards love and freedom.

So here is little me, just looking to be loved and to have a family.  But I don’t have parents who genuinely want to care for me. I see that they feel trapped, stuck, burdened and unhappy with being in the role of parent.  Yes, it’s not ideal, and it created neglect, but I somehow “got it”. I was one of many kids who had parents who weren’t honest with who they were and instead created a whole lot of suffering for me and their lives by going along with social ideals.  On top of that, I was born into a patriarchal and racist lineage in their views of white superiority (not in a violent or overtly hateful way), where my mother was striving to undo this through taking us to Jamaica to live and also marry a man of colour.  While in a different culture where I was a privileged racial minority, I had to witness the effects of slavery, white privilege and racial conflict first hand in my home and in the world. I had to understand cultural assumptions and presumptions from my Canadian culture, and turn everything on its head in order to grow in compassion for the depth of suffering in the world. 

These experiences made me into someone who cares deeply about personal and spiritual liberation by being a non-conformist, and being as authentic with oneself as possible. Because I didn’t grow up with a father figure, I had to learn about being a woman who can take care of herself, form her own opinions and beliefs, and to be a role model for other girls and women to take care of themselves without needing to depend on a husband or a man. 

I formed a deep care for multi-culturalism and racial harmony and women’s equality, respecting each person’s uniqueness. 

Now, what does this have to do with the ancestors?

Well, through the window of my parents’ eyes, I saw all the socialized influences they carried and every way they were trying to liberate themselves from the ego-dances, roles and systems that repressed them and the karma that was out of balance. 

But when I even went back one generation using a Soul Constellations technique, I discovered that even though I see my parents as free spirits and moving on their own path, I realized that they both still had strong loyalties and emotional ties to their narcissistic parent of the opposite sex.  They were the replacement spouses energetically for their parents.   So they never ultimately could have a successful marriage with each other because they had yet to let go of the parent they were loyal to.  Ironically, they got married because of parental pressure and they divorced because of it. 

In all of it, each of them throughout their lives were trying to rebel against their parent and do everything the opposite to what that parent wanted them to become.  For example, my father’s mother wanted him to become a millionaire so instead he self-sabotaged and became a gambling addict. The fact is, he lived his whole life in reaction to her rather than charting out what was right for him.

So for me, my teaching is to break my loyalty ties with my mother – I was her replacement spouse for her while she was in an unhappy marriage. Part of my legacy is befriending myself and my truth, finding a partner who is right for me, not out of parental approval, and be willing and able to be in a relationship without pressure from my family’s influence. I am here to figure out what true love is within myself and in a relationship.  I am to let go of my loyalties of focusing on making her happy, and instead turn my focus to the world and ask what kind of service I can offer it based on my inheritance of talents and gifts.

My other challenge is to be sure I’m not living in reaction to my father or my mother out of rejecting them, but simply to tune into my own standards.  At one point, I felt I was trying to overcompensate for their issues, righting the wrongs of their approach and outlooks. It was exhausting and it was filled with shame and guilt which isn’t life-giving. When what I’m simply meant to do is acknowledge that I can see the suffering in their lives, how they treat themselves and others, and learn from that wisdom to walk in a different way that ensures I am balanced in my relationships. I am meant to find my soul family where there is healthy relating of giving and receiving and we share the same values. It commits me to making a difference in the world that brings more harmony amongst people, rather than living a self-centred life.

And on top of it all, I am here to end the cycle of suffering that comes from procreating “just because everyone says you should”, because the misery of attachment and the outcome of interpersonal conflict is just too great and overwhelming.

So through all of this I discovered that my legacy is service towards those who want to live as authentically as possible as child-free women. I do this for my mom, my dad, all the ancestors who got married and had kids because they didn’t know any differently and ended up in misery or suffering, and I do it to express the higher gifts of art, travel and creative passion that my ancestors cultivated in their lives. I do it for the women who didn’t get a chance to fulfill their minds and come into their own. I do it for the men who subjugated those women and the men in my lineage who saw the beauty and potential in their wives.

I also receive the skills, talents and abilities of my ancestors who had an entrepreneurial spirit, loved to paint and read poetry, strove for freedom and wanted to start rebellions. They are all a part of me and I want their journeys to making a more peaceful, wonderful, free world to be actualized through me.

Stepping into this knowing has given me a sense of strength, clarity and direction in ways that felt mucky and lost before. I know I still have more layers and my path will shift and evolve, but this grounds my work and truth in the world and helps me direct it in other ways.

So I want to help you find your legacy – the spiritual inheritance that you get from your family system so you can take one step further towards freedom, fulfilment and genuine happiness.

I created the “Your Child-free Legacy” package which is a 2-session package where we explore your unique dynamics and family system and discover what lessons you are here to learn and how you can let go of some of your unconscious loyalties in your family. You will see that your choice of being child-free was pre-planned and there was a greater message you were wanting to give to the world.

We do a meditation together to find out what your spirit wanted to do before you were born, and we lay out your family system using sacred objects and we discover what needs to be birthed next in your life. There are videos that will guide you and you will also automatically be a part of the Persephone’s Heart Society.

I offer this on an ongoing basis, but for the month of March, I’m giving $40 off because I’m turning 40 years old.  Did you know that in indigenous traditions, if a woman didn’t birth a child by the time she was 40 years old she was considered to be on her path of fulfilling her purpose.  Wooheee! Not all traditions are wanting women to be pregnant!  Here’s to 40 years old and a life full of purpose.

I have over 7 years as a spiritual consultant, group facilitator, seer/medium, holistic healer and soul constellations practitioner.  I have been passionate about helping people see the deeper layers of their patterns and to gain the wisdom so they have more lightness and well-being in their lives.  I also have a background as an activist for human rights and women’s issues and understand the layers that culture, inequality, oppression and social assumptions have on dragging our spirits down.

So if you’d like to take advantage of this offer that can propel you further into living your truth in the world, please click here to get the details about “Your Child-free Legacy” Package. I can’t wait to see who you’re meant to be in this world!

My Complicated Relationship with Mothers

I have had challenges with relating with mothers.  I will admit that, even though there is a cultural taboo to not question or doubt mothers (which is something I don’t fully understand that just because you have birthed a being that it somehow makes you immune from becoming a decent human being).

I’m sure part of this has to do with my own mother issues (which I’ll get into later), but most of all it has to do with the very different attitudes, perspectives and priorities that mothers hold that are so different than how I approach my life as a child-free woman.

For example, my priorities are my work, free time to read, learn and grow, my health and wellness and satisfying relationships. I value pleasure, freedom, joy, my sleep and don’t have much patience for relationships that are full of drama, conflict or are highly demanding.  I have a lot on my plate that inspires me to make a positive contribution. Self-care and low stress is huge for me. I have a low pain threshold and have no desire to endure suffering unnecessarily.

For many mothers, stress is the order of the day. Self-sacrificing and thinking about others 24-7 is what’s expected. As well as picking up after kids, cooking, cleaning – though all part of women’s oppressed roles, still land on her shoulders.  They have to keep everything under control and make sure all relationships are functioning.  It’s very difficult to be a “free spirit” as a mother, and if they are they are seen as neglectful to their children.  Life can become about child-speak and there isn’t a lot of room, until the kids leave home, to do self-discovery.  Family activities, caring about schooling and keeping things in order are the most important parts of being a parent and consume a lot of a mother’s time. A mother’s natural motivation is to see her kids do well and thrive (that’s not to say all mothers are like this as some are cruel and abusive). It’s noble and service-oriented and a good mom can make a difference in the world. But most of the job is thankless.

So merely due to lifestyle choices and differences, many child-free women and mothers clash in perspective, desires and motivations at a fundamental level.  So when a mother wants to talk endlessly about her children, a child-free woman is rolling her eyes thinking of a whole host of other things to talk about like art, politics, meeting new people.  When a mother goes on vacation she finds a resort that is family-oriented and brings her kids along, whereas a child-free woman is looking for a place that is as far away from children screaming as possible. When a mother is trying everything to get her rest, a child-free woman is out taking classes ranging from tantric sex to communicating with horses to how to make a successful career.

The common traits are that we’re women who have similar struggles to be respected and supported in society. We also share similar body parts.  And there is most likely a yearning for things to just go well, along with an innate capacity to create. 

Now, fast forward to being an adult with mothers. I’ve had the weirdest responses with mothers. I will admit that mothers initially scare me, it’s like a PTSD response inside of me.  It takes a long time for me to feel at ease with someone who is a mother.  Because I know there is a side of them that can turn into an overly protective, irrational person who is so deeply attached to their child that they can’t see a different perspective or what is needed for their higher happiness and freedom or that of their child’s.  The enmeshment is so huge. They have identity issues with being a good parent or the perfect parent that they can sometimes not see the forest for the trees. And they can make a lot of choices that aren’t really connected to their heart and soul but rather out of survival.

My trauma from mothers and those who defend them are great. I have actually been accused by my own father (who left when I was 3) that I am trying to steal my sister’s kids because I don’t have children, which is completely absurd as anyone who’s known me all my life would attest. I also had a mother pull her child away from me upon learning that I don’t have kids of my own – worried that I would probably kidnap her child just because I was interacting with her.  When I tried to defend an innocent child from the verbal attacks of their father, I was shunned and attacked by the mother, who is also abused by this man. I’ve also had mothers get super-defensive when their child hears a different perspective on life that may put all they’ve been taught into question and in opposition of the parent’s personal beliefs. I’ve seen mothers power-trip over others, believing they know best, instead of admitting they have controlling personalities.  I’ve had mothers try to mock me and convince me to have kids and try to drag me into their world, believing that “I just don’t understand what it’s like to be a mother,” to which I respond – “I may not, but I’ve heard the stories, seen the suffering, and not really down with it…I like my happy world without the guilt, madness and stress, thank you very much. I didn’t have ‘em and they are your responsibility to live with that decision.” It may seem detached and arrogant, but really – I don’t need to walk in those shoes.  I’m all about empathy and compassion while setting clear boundaries of what’s mine and what isn’t.  That’s maturity and leads to true balance and personal well-being.

Now here is the thing. I actually have deep empathy for mothers. It’s why I don’t want to be one.  I believe mothers have been duped in our world – women are told this is who they need to be and what they need to become with very little support or role models to choose differently. Many marriages breakdown when kids jump into the picture because all of the attention is on the kids with no room for couple’s spontaneous intimacy.  On top of that, women get baby brains and they can lose brain power because of the stress of child-birth.  They also may have to deal with some husbands who will leave or abandon them because they’ve gained weight or they are stressed or have post-partum (which isn’t the mother’s fault of course but it’s a reality out there).  Single mothers have lower incomes than men or child-free women.  This illusion that it’s the path to happiness, is a farce, as I’ve seen many mothers burdened by the bills, the challenges of having to parent the child or children single-handedly and have decreased health because of the day-to-day self-sacrificing challenges.  They have to prove their worth and competence in their friend network, with a vigilance and scrutiny that even fathers don’t experience.  It’s hell being a mother, especially in the modern age.

My relationship with my mother is mixed – I admire her for the woman I know her to be, then she will step into the mother role and everything will get wonky. But she’s been my main inspiration to be a child-free woman.  I’ll explain further.

I recently did a healing meditation with my colleague and business coach, Irina Benedict, and I came to realize that I serve Child-free Women because before I incarnated all I wanted was to see happy women in the world. I was born into a family of conflict – my mother was left at home alone while my father was out gambling and womanizing. My birth was considered to be yet another stress in the family, when all what I wanted to do was bring blessings into the world.  I know that my sister was wanting me in the world, and my mother liked my companionship. But I felt the hole in her heart of being emotionally neglected in a loveless marriage.  As I adjusted in the womb, I felt how sad everybody was and that my birth was not really something to be celebrated.  I held the deep engrained belief that “it’s better off that I didn’t exist” and “who would want me?” which was a complex I still struggle with and carry deep inside of me.  How many people out there have been born into painful, high drama and unloving homes?

My mom, later into my teens, admitted that she shouldn’t have had children.  Now partly this comes from her own inadequacies, but it also is from her truth.  Many would be aghast to hear this from their mothers, thinking it’s insensitive. But it’s honest. And I respect it because I totally get it. Many women get the short end of the stick in the parenting paradigm and some just aren’t meant to be in that position.  My mother should have been an artist, traveler, and freethinker. As her child, I felt this and did as much as possible not to be a burden on her.  It caused a whole lot of self-esteem issues inside of me along with self-destructive behaviour, but it wasn’t really about me – it was that my mom was forced by society and her parents to birth children and this wasn’t leading to her personal liberation. 

This is why, in my family as the only child-free woman, I stand in a commitment to making myself as happy and liberated as much as possible and to feel grateful that I came from an open-minded mother who blesses me in the work I do (she’ll still give some socialized quips but nothing compared to the pressures I’ve heard other child-free women have met).  I have met so many women from around the world and I see the oppression and suffering they experience, much less in the role of being a mother. I see it as a divine responsibility to be a role model and example to be a loving, clear, happy and healthy woman in this conflicted world and to show what a woman can do when she has the freedom, time and space to make a major difference.  This is why I feel called to serving child-free women to expand their spirits and fulfill their lives through my small business, The Child-free Heart.

I would love to hear from you about your relationship with mothers, too.

Poem for Child-free Folk

One of the members of the Guelph-KW "Happy and Child-free Meetup" showed me this poem, which is perfect for child-free folk. So validating to know that these pieces of literature are out there.  Would love to know if you have anything else you would like to share that's appropriate....

This Be The Verse
    By Philip Larkin          

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   

    They may not mean to, but they do.   

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

    By fools in old-style hats and coats,   

Who half the time were soppy-stern

    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

    It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

    And don’t have any kids yourself.

From Disgruntled Aunt to Cool Aunt

I am an aunt or as my niece and nephew call me, “tìa”, in Spanish because their dad is from Latin America.

I never really thought much about being an aunt or what that would mean.  In the Western culture, there really isn’t much weight to that role. It just kind of happens to you because a sibling decides to procreate. 

When I found out that my sister was pregnant, I honestly went through mixed emotions.

Being a child-free woman myself, who wanted women’s freedom and rights outside of child-rearing, and to be a good citizen in the face of overpopulation and environmental problems, I honestly wasn’t keen on the idea of my sister having children.  She was also in a relationship that, through my perspective and how it’s come to unfold, was deeply dysfunctional. I saw the family pain being passed on to the next generation with each contraction she had when she was giving birth. 

I also despised the fact that I would now be coerced into having to join the cultural system of giving them gifts just because they are kids, and assuming that I would be babysitting them. I had to keep emphasizing to my sister and others that I was child-free for a reason…which would make me feel a bit like a mean b*tch at times – because always in the back of people’s minds there’s the unflinching perspective of “How could you not like kids? How could you not be excited about being an aunt?”

So I would hide my true feelings on the matter and not speak too openly about how it really was for me.  I had no motivation to do the sisterly thing of baby showers and decorating and painting the baby rooms. It all just seemed so wrong on so many levels.

The only thing, at the time, that excited me about being an aunt was that I could load the kids with sugar and candy, have a rockin’ fun time with them for about an hour or two and then send them on their way back home for their parents to deal with. 

So on the day my niece was born, I had a mix of emotions from terror for her life and future and feelings of “Wow! She’s so bloody cute”.  I knew the dynamics she was being born into, yet I felt this automatic bond to her. I sent a blessing into her heart quietly that said: “no matter what, follow your dreams,” hoping she wouldn’t forget where she came from and who she was in the mire of family chaos.

I didn’t take an active role at all. I lived in a different city, and did my own thing.  Even still, I knew that there was a little being out there who I helped into the world, who I felt a mix of love and concern for. No one else caught me like that before, and by her very presence, she made me be responsible to my own dreams – that is, to walk my talk.  Because of her, I learned to speak Spanish and I travelled to Latin America so I could understand her culture. I also took art classes while I was there, which was one of my true dreams. I wanted to be a role model to her that there are people in our family who cared to live from the heart and soul and it’s possible to not get caught in the materialism of the world.

Then my sister had a second child, a boy, and I was there for his birth, as well. In fact, I came back from Mexico on his due date. So much for being an aloof aunt.  I had no idea what had gotten into me and what moved me to be so dedicated. It really wasn’t like me.

So when he was born, which was quick and in a jiffy, I felt this energy of needing to protect him.  I saw his vulnerability and I had deep fear within me that he would take on the pain of his father’s side of the family, who were people who worked for the military in Latin America. They had a macho-code that passed on to the men on that side and I wanted to do everything in my power to not have him be influenced by this. He was too precious to become a soldier, in my mind.  Yet I had to let go and trust that this is not my child and this is his fate on some level.

And then I realized that unique pain of being an aunt, especially in our culture.  We don’t have a say in the upbringing of the children. We are expected to be there for them on a physical and practical basis, but if you cross the line of giving any wisdom, perspective or guidance, most parents get defensive and won’t listen to what we have to say. Aunts carry an ache in wanting make sure these kids don’t get hurt and yet become responsible citizens on the planet, whereas the parents are wrapped up in making them into mini-versions of themselves or living up to some kind of codes of achievement.  Aunts have enough detachment and distance to see what is need to put these kids on the path of freedom, kindness and conscientiousness. But often the aunt’s position is not one that is taken seriously.

Only now that my niece is a teenager do I feel I can offer her something of value. She is now starting to think on her own, question her family upbringing, and make choices that speak to her. She knows I’ve always had her back and been in her corner, advocating for her to be free of abusive or socialized dynamics. I am the only person in her family who truly sees the pain she’s been in, more than she realizes, and I know there is a sacred position in helping her through into the light of her soul and truth. 

It’s only now that I’m truly understanding the deep worth of the cool aunt in a teenager’s life and how we have the chance to be spiritual liberators for them, if they so choose to break out of the confines of their family of origin.

So as a child-free mentor, I also embrace the title of Cool Aunt, as I believe both roles do similar work – to care about the wisdom, happiness and freedom of girls and women in the truest sense.

I would love to see more respect and honour in our families and society for the position of being an aunt. Fortunately, there is an Aunt and Uncle Day – on July 27^th so there is some movement in that direction. Apparently in the States 50% of women are without kids and in the role of being an aunt.  This feels like a positive shift and something that shows that nurturing and wisdom, not just procreating, are coming into our world more. 

I would love to hear any stories you have about being a child-free woman and an aunt. How has it been for you? Any struggles or challenges? I’d love to hear your feedback.

If you feel you would like to expand your spirit and fulfill your life as a child-free woman, please visit: www.TheChildfreeHeart.com to find out more ways I can help you.

Why I Love Child-free Women

Many people have asked me why my focus is on serving child-free women and thought I was making some kind of big deal about being child-free.  Of course, these people were usually parents themselves or men who haven’t had to experience the challenges many women face around their reproductive choices and social pressures.  
 

Little do many people know, the experiences of child-free women are quite unique in the world.  I have been organizing a meetup group in the Guelph-area and have learned a lot about what it means to be child-free and some of the common experiences.  Here are the reasons I like working with child-free women:

1)      They are usually up to something interesting. They are interested in cultivating their passions and they delve into their lives to become people who know some interest things and perspectives. There is a natural open-mindedness because they have already questioned some fundamental socialization

2)      Many of them like animals and will have their own pet babies.  They can even extend this to being more environmentally conscious/aware and will work on creating projects that help the earth.

3)      They care deeply about conscious parenting. That’s right! Many child-free women have their opinions about poor parenting and will encourage anyone who has a child to do it well and full-heartedly. That’s why a lot of people think that the irony is that child-free people would actually make the best parents in the world. But we know all too well that we couldn’t do it well because our hearts aren’t in it.

4)      They are willing to examine and look into and resolve their childhood issues.  They have the time, ability, space and forward thinking to understand that they want to have more happiness, freedom and awareness in their lives by shedding the past. They may even have the anger from childhood wrongs to know that they don’t want to perpetuate the cycle with young people in their lives.

5)      They want freedom and happiness. They love doing what they love and don’t want to compromise or get entangled into human dramas at the sake of their freedom. 

6)      They will seek out personal growth and fun experiences.   They know that there is more to life than struggle and want to expand themselves. They will do everything from going belly dancing to workshops on success to finding how to grow more intimately with their love partner. They want to experience the fullness life has to offer them.

7)      They want to be genuine and honest with themselves.  They have come so far in standing up against forces that want them to be a certain way that they won’t stop of anything less in other areas of their life. They have strong opinions, perhaps, and they want to be as tuned into their truth so they are not controlled or suppressing who they are.

8)      They may have a strong understanding of women’s issues/rights and are breaking out of old paradigms of control or oppression. Their next challenge, after doing some questioning, is breaking out of their inner paradigms that keep them stuck or block them from their personal power and truth.

9)      They are freethinkers. They will read about issues, have great debates, question everything and take on causes because the can and know better than to believe collective assumptions. They will inevitably make others around them have to think outside the box.

10)   They have courage. Despite all the fears of family ostracization or the belief that they will grow old and die alone, child-free women have courage enough to stay true to themselves and that is just plain ol’ noble.  

If you are a child-free woman who can relate with these similar qualities, I would love to be there for you as a coach, seer/medium and retreat facilitator.   I want to help you expand your spirit and fulfill your life as a child-free woman.  All you need to do is click here to apply fora FREE Sharing Our Hearts Session to see if we can work together to help you have more passion, freedom and connection in your life.