Your Family, Your Life

As child-free women, we have a chance to explore the nuances of our lives.  We can go into patterns that are affecting us, ones that we adopted from childhood and ones that we learned from our parental figures that affected our sense of self.  We know we have lots we can do, be and discover in our lives, but there can very well be baggage, old beliefs and ways we have inherited that keep us stuck and playing small.  

I believe that everything is about relationship.  Relationship to ourselves, to others, to our body, to our food, to the earth, to our family, our ancestors, and on and on.  We attract people and dynamics in our lives to either resolve something, or grow in some way, even if it is painful.  There is wisdom everywhere, even if we can’t see it right away.    Most lessons go back to self-love, self-acceptance and how to grow in compassion.

For example, I had a habit of attracting male partners who had serious mental health issues.  I wouldn’t even see it coming. But they’d eventually become aggressive and intimidating.  It wasn’t until I really looked at my childhood, that I could finally see my male figures as having mental health issues. The whole time, due to my programming, I thought they had it together and I was the weak one or broken one.  Though I’ve done my own deep therapy and inner work, I couldn’t really see the pattern until I did the "My Family, My Life Package".  I discovered that the men on both sides of the family suffered from depression, and they would take it out on their family members at home, making their wives lose their mental health and sense of stability.   

The women absorbed the hurt, negativity and pain of their male partners.  The men, trapped in the world of having to prove themselves and not being allowed to have emotions, wouldn’t or couldn’t get the help they needed.  It’s only now, in 2017, that there are programs encouraging men to admit their suicidal feelings and thoughts, and own their own depression and emotional discomforts. 

I would say that the root of most domestic abuse stems from men who have felt out of control and powerless so they need to put this onto the most vulnerable and their closest family members. So instead of the women being the broken one, it was really the husbands or fathers behind her that were causing the pain. This is my family pattern and I’m not saying that all of women’s issues are because of abusive men. 

I know that partly one of the reasons I’m child-free is because I wanted to work out these dysfunctional patterns and not get trapped in a bad marriage with having to feed the kids.  I want to be one of the women in my family line that gets a chance at living a life more free of these traditional burdens, where I’m not stuck with being the punching bag for my partner.  Though I know we are all human, and all of us are fragile, I am confident that I won’t get so confused or triggered if a friend or male partner shows signs of serious mental health problems. I will give him the responsibility to go get the help he needs if he starts taking things out on me. Or I will know that it’s time to pack my bags and leave if it becomes abusive.  Fortunately, I won’t have to take care of any kids or negotiate child care or anything of that sort.  This is one of the many freedoms women get to have when they don’t have kids. A freedom I am grateful to have.

I would not have seen it this way, if I didn’t do the “My Family, My Life” Package.  I would have gone into years of therapy trying to get to the root of my low self-esteem, beating myself for being abused. In a matter of 2 sessions, I was able to see everything way more quickly. Then my true work of setting boundaries.

I would love to share this with you so you can have similar breakthroughs in areas that you may not be able to see clearly.  Through a process of working together, you and I can uncover unconscious layers that are affecting how you are relating to friends, family, yourself, money, work, creativity, etc.  In 2 sessions, we will reveal the core issue, in what many say would take 2 years of therapy. It’s not a replacement for therapy.  Rather it gives you the main issue you are dealing with, a new perspective or way of seeing it, and the wisdom required to break any cycles. Then you can take it to your therapist and really do the work to release it.

If this interests you, you can either book a FREE “Freedom to Be Yourself” Session and we can explore what issues you are facing, or you can book the "My Family, My Life Package" to get started.

Being a True Friend

Our world has a desire to put people into roles, and to create expectations of who we should be.  Many become parents and take on a certain identity or position of power, believing this is what it means to be an adult. Their focus is on raising the kids, as it should be, but it can be a distraction from doing the inner work of becoming healthier people in their community and circle.   For me, I know that when a friend would become pregnant or they were raising kids, our friendship could only go so deep. The children were a priority.  Which is fine, I get it. 

But as a child-free woman growing in self-love and self-awareness, I learned to set boundaries about who I allow in close to me. In my love circle, I only allow emotionally available people. I choose people who are present to who I am and I support them in who they are.  I find that it is often a one-way street in relationships with new parents or those with young children.  So I don’t put a lot of emotional investment in them. 

I have room in my life for parents of young kids, but they will be closer to the acquaintance-friend category for me, at least until the kids get older.  Some people will disagree with me, and that is fine.  I just know that all healthy relationships require an equal balance of give and take.  Parents of young kids don't have a lot to give others because their focus is elsewhere, which it should be. They can cultivate the friends who are also parents and get them at that stage of life. 

Which makes me realize that one of the great gifts of being without kids, is that I have grown and continue to do so, in having the mindset of being a friend.  I’m like this with young people, adults and my pet friends.  It means that I listen closely, respect the other being for who they are and what is in their hearts, and try to encourage them or offer some words of advice.

I am not into reprimanding or punishing someone, or having to make them do things against their will – like taking them to school if they don’t want to.  (Though with Max the dog, I do have to tell him to settle down when he barks too much).  

I also don’t want to give a false sense to someone that I own them or they have to relate with me if they don’t want to.  This is a program in most of us with families – that we have to be the loyal child or sibling just because we share the same DNA and upbringing. When the truth is that there can be a lot of wounds and mistrust from that relationship.

Most of all, though, I get to have emotional presence for others. Others get to feel seen and heard and ultimately loved and understood. I crave that from others, as well.  

Being a friend is a wonderful gift and one that I feel many child-free people have the chance to be for the world.  It brings in unconditional love, humour, sharing and no expectations for another to be a certain way.  To truly be a great friend requires, time, inner work and emotional presence – qualities that a lot of parents with young kids just don’t have much of unless it’s connected to their lifestyle. 

What does true friendship mean to you? Are there true friends in your life? What is one special thing you can do for them? What kind of a friend do you want to be?

Nature Walk in Silence for Child-free Women - Sep 8, 2017

We meet once a week on Friday mornings at 10 a.m. in Guelph for a Nature Walk in Silence. This is a chance for child-free women to share in what we enjoy best: silence, nature, friendship and feeling understood.

Each walk starts with an inspirational quote that we contemplate for the walk. We share what we want to release for the week, then walk in silence.  At the end of the walk, we talk about what showed up for us and what we want to bring in for the week.  

Each week, I will post the quote and a reflection or poem on what came up for me. 

Quote: "Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express our appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it." 
- Ralph Marston

Poem
Tormenting times
that distract
often lead us 
to appreciate
what is around us

This park with tall trees
has been here
since I was a child
quietly growing

Beneath my feet
lay a leaf
heart-shaped

simple reminders of what matters

Prioritize Your Inner Child the Way Parents Prioritize Their Kids

Recently on the “No Labour Day Pains” Teleclass for Child-free Women to set new learning and growth intentions for the next 6-9 months, we had some good discussions around what our heart wants versus what we believe we have to do. 

It became clear as we shared, that there are inner child wounds or beliefs that were formed with our experiences with school when we were younger.  We were given a lot of feedback about who we should be, what we should do with our lives and what makes us a "good" person from teachers, parents and the school system. But very few people asked us what we care about.

The true guides or teachers care about what is in our hearts and encouraged this out of us. They didn't care if we got good grades, but rather they want to see what lit us up and inspired us.

For example, I loved English class.  It spoke about the realities and philosophies of people and the world. There was depth, meaning, ways of seeing in it that gave me a feeling of being understood in my life path, while also navigating the world around me. It took me to other places and gave me answers that I was looking for.  I loved literature. And it was the lowest mark I got in school.

I was great at math and accounting and typing. I was set up to be in the world a wonderful administrative assistant or business person.  My talents for the world weren’t what I cared about.  But it got me by, even to this day.  My inner yearning, though, was writing, reading and psychology. It was who I was at the core – a thinker and a feeler.

Recognizing this part of us that tunes into what we love, despite what others or the world wants from us, is part of our inner child.  As child-free women, we have a chance to grow within and tune into what really makes us happy, inspired, fulfilled or desiring to make a contribution to the world.  Because it is an invisible part of ourselves, it can feel like we can put it off, not listen to it, take care of the things around us and just keep going.   But what if you were to treat your inner child the way parents treat their own kids.  What if you said “no” at work because you had to take your inner child to piano lessons? Or you told your friends or family that they can’t come over because you are writing your book? Or you let go of a committee you are sitting on because your inner child wants to daydream, meditate and go for nature walks? You see, parents have an automatic “out” with certain obligations. As child-free women, it seems we have to find some excuses, outright lie or just take on more stuff because others think we have all the time in the world.

But your time, your inner child and what you do with it is what will lead you to staying balanced, healthy and whole. You need it just as much as the parent needs to spend time with their children (and inner child, for that matter!).

What boundaries can you set so your inner child is feeling inspired, fulfilled and energetic? 

If you would like to tune more into your passions, take a day away in nature and enjoy being with other child-free women who are living their path of truth, please come out to the Nourish Your Inner Donkey Self-Discovery Day for Child-free Women.  We all have the silly, wise fool of the donkey in each of us – and we need it to enjoy a life of meaning and purpose.  Click Here for More Details