Family, Ancestors and Being Child-free

I’ve never been a family person.  I have found most family dynamics to be abusive, neglectful and painful.  It could be because of being a child of divorce, or seeing abusive dynamics in the home, or knowing that each family member was feeling hurt, misunderstood and betrayed because of the severe lack of communication, connection and boundaries.  Either way or for whatever reasons – personal and collective, I find the family unit to be terrifying, abandoning and down-right domineering and toxic.  Even the most caring of families, still have their silent codes of agreement that can block a person from being in their truth, strength and joy.

There's gossip, presumptions, expectations and unspoken demands. To me it can be another form of gang warfare and bullying. I’ve been the bully and I’ve been bullied in my family. It’s just all bad and everyone had to get away from each other because the only way we brought out the best in each other was from conflict that led to isolation which led to having to strengthen oneself.

So when I went into the work of Family Constellations, created by Bert Hellinger, I was hesitant. The last thing on the planet I wanted to do was re-connect to family systems and the ancestors.  I had actively worked hard to liberate myself from the insanity of family dynamics and find my own truth. Wasn’t it my family’s fault that I existed or was alive? Wasn’t it their yearning to have me be born that caused me to be on the planet of trauma? Wasn’t it their pain and suffering they passed on to me that made me want to self-destroy? Wasn’t it their lack of love and care that made my life a living hell at times? Why would I want to even engage with such people? I saw their shame and guilt and abusiveness in subtle and overt ways. I could see the ways the mothers and the fathers dominated and took the joy out of the hearts of everyone.

To be drawn back and asked to look at all the dynamics that kept me separated was not something I thought I’d ever wanted to do. But I had come to my path with many questions and painful experiences from leaving my family behind and wondered “Why me? Why did I have to be the one that questioned the family system? Why did I have to actually care about being conscious or that I wanted to be treated with dignity and respect?”  See, I’m of the belief that nothing good comes from the “family at all costs” mentality.  It’s rampant in our culture.  Instead of looking at why we turn a blind eye to the pedophile in the family, or we excuse grandpa from his past of physical abuse of our parent, or how the family’s narcissism has warped the young to be in beauty pageants and their self-worth is only connected to their looks, we have this blanket belief as a society that family must stick together.  Even if your family is a drug-dealing criminal ring. It’s family above all else.

As a child-free woman, I also had no desire to carry forward the family lineage. Yet, because of that, this also added to the wound within the family. There’s an automatic belief, which is probably true, that I’m rejecting my ancestors because I’m not willing to procreate.   One of the reasons I’m child-free is that I don’t want to bring forward the pain, suffering and darkness to the next generation, and that my family has given me such little support that I know I would end up as an impoverished single mother if I even went down that path. It required more courage and energy to do that than what I could muster and I’m not a sucker for punishment and suffering just for the sake of the mother code.

So what value do I see as a child-free woman in the ancestral lineage, doing Family Constellations work?

First of all, I see that it is a chance to resolve unknown pain within my energy field. It comes from the idea that once one person heals in the family system, then it heals past, present and future generations. From my experience with Constellations and with seeing parents and children, the purpose of embodiment is to grow in consciousness and to have the family system acknowledge unknown pain from the ancestors.  So essentially, children will carry forward the wounds and problems of the parents and the ancestors until the family system learns the lessons of love, wisdom and respect. Unfortunately, that means that innocent beings end up getting damaged and beaten up just being the sheer fact of being born and having to deal with the chaos of their human caregivers.

The premise is that when the balance of karma can be resolved, there is no need to procreate.

It reminds me of an Aztec saying I read while I was staying in Oaxaca City, Mexico that implied that if a person doesn’t have children in their lifetime it means they are tying the knots of the family quilt. This means that our work is done for our ancestors and family system and there is no need to continue it onwards.

Secondly, being a child-free woman is a particular position within the family system that often goes unsupported and may even be ridiculed. For me, I’m doing it for the mothers in my ancestral lineage who were unhappy and unfulfilled and couldn’t follow their dreams. I see their oppression, the abuse and the inequalities and I’m saying “stop the madness”. I’m doing it for the aunts in my system who couldn’t or didn’t want to have children and instead made a difference in society but were unsupported and unseen.  I’m doing it for the women who died during childbirth and never had a chance to reach their potential. I’m doing it for the men who felt unconsciously guilty for having all the power and are ready to see a woman step forward with her strength and independence. I’m doing it for the parents who were exhausted and depressed and filled with regrets for pro-creating. I’m doing it for all the people who got neglected because parenting took up all of their energy and they had to turn away from those in need. I’m doing it for the women who had abortions and miscarriages and didn’t have any societal support and were shamed. I’m doing it for the women who lost their children too soon. I’m doing it for the men who never wanted to be fathers but did it because the women got pregnant. I’m doing it for the smart girls and women who saw through the pressures and wanted to cultivate their intelligence but were ostracized and teased and condemned. I’m doing it for the Earth and all beings, knowing that humans are fundamentally destructive and can be very inconsiderate to beings outside of their own species or tribe.

For all of these reasons and probably more, I do it for my ancestors.

So as a Constellations Facilitator, I approach the work in a way where I want to see my clients move forward from their family, not towards them. I want them to see the deeper layers that keep them stuck in the loyalties of patterns of relating that make them want to join the pack in a "not-so-loving or healthy way". I take the teachings from the Constellations work that highlight the fact that most acts of evil are committed because of the powerful need to belong. 

I want to break that belonging cord and encourage each participant to question exactly why and how they are choosing to relate to the people and beings they do, so they can actually make a different, healthier and more informed choice and let go of the cycle of abuse and neglect.  This is why I changed the name to “Soul Constellations” rather than “Family Constellations” because it is about releasing all beings from the dysfunctionality so they can experience true sovereignty, peace and connection in their hearts, lives and bodies.

Now some will say I have a bias against families and that there is an evolutionary function to them. I would agree on both things. My bias against families is that I’ve seen far too much wounding and unhealthy attachments that people carry because of families. I support people creating a chosen family and something that can meet their needs creatively, emotionally and physically.   I would suggest that in order to create that in a healthy, clear and centred way, we do need to look at our family of origin so we are not perpetuating the dysfunction.  But to stay with the family system without examining it can be dangerous or at least depleting.  The truly evolutionary movement is about looking at each person and saying “no I will not accept that, but yes, I will accept this.” So, in essence, it is about moving away from them with a sense of understanding and compassion and inviting support for that which breaks the pain cycle. And if there is any forward movement or movement towards, it is done from a true heart-centred place rather than from a place of obligation, guilt or shame. I

Thisis about creating authentic relating rather than relating based on power dynamics.  It is also about respecting and honouring the ancestor who carried that suffering so you don’t have to and feel the strength of support available from past generations to continue on your path.

For example, from the work I have done on both sides of the family, I came to understand some key points on what motivates me in the world.  My ancestors came to North America from France, England, Ireland and Germany during the pioneering days.  They have lived in the States and Canada and fought in the Civil War.  I am sure they are responsible for the atrocities of the genocide of First Nations people but I don’t know exactly in what way.  I do know that leaving Europe came from their acts of rebellion against the Church and the Monarchy.  So for me, democracy and freedom are important values, along with reconciliation issues with the First Nations Peoples in Canada, and taking care of the Earth.  Women’s rights are on the forefront, as well, because of the suffering the women in my family had under patriarchal religion and I’m sure some of them were suffragists given their paths of leaving their families behind. 

Knowing these qualities of all the reasons my ancestors did what they did (good, bad and ugly), gives me a strength of purpose in the world and a vision to not take their journeys and struggles in vain.  It makes me step into a humble position rather than an “I don’t need ya” arrogant position, and ensures I stay compassionate to the frailty in all of us.

So if you’re wanting to step forward a little bit more on your path, and want to get the depth of understanding who you are and why you are where you are and how to get out of unconscious loyalties so you can have true freedom and peace, please consider signing up for The Child-free Legacy Package.  Because I want to see happier and more free women in the world.

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Heather Embree is a professional Intuitive, Child-free Mentor, Retreat Facilitator and Author.

She is a child-free woman who knew from a young age that she wanted to do other things with her life than raise and take care of children. She wanted to make a difference in the lives of others and the Earth, and come into her own creative potential. 

She supports child-free women to expand their spirits and fulfill their lives.  For more info, visit: www.TheChildfreeHeart.com