Your Family, Your Life

As child-free women, we have a chance to explore the nuances of our lives.  We can go into patterns that are affecting us, ones that we adopted from childhood and ones that we learned from our parental figures that affected our sense of self.  We know we have lots we can do, be and discover in our lives, but there can very well be baggage, old beliefs and ways we have inherited that keep us stuck and playing small.  

I believe that everything is about relationship.  Relationship to ourselves, to others, to our body, to our food, to the earth, to our family, our ancestors, and on and on.  We attract people and dynamics in our lives to either resolve something, or grow in some way, even if it is painful.  There is wisdom everywhere, even if we can’t see it right away.    Most lessons go back to self-love, self-acceptance and how to grow in compassion.

For example, I had a habit of attracting male partners who had serious mental health issues.  I wouldn’t even see it coming. But they’d eventually become aggressive and intimidating.  It wasn’t until I really looked at my childhood, that I could finally see my male figures as having mental health issues. The whole time, due to my programming, I thought they had it together and I was the weak one or broken one.  Though I’ve done my own deep therapy and inner work, I couldn’t really see the pattern until I did the "My Family, My Life Package".  I discovered that the men on both sides of the family suffered from depression, and they would take it out on their family members at home, making their wives lose their mental health and sense of stability.   

The women absorbed the hurt, negativity and pain of their male partners.  The men, trapped in the world of having to prove themselves and not being allowed to have emotions, wouldn’t or couldn’t get the help they needed.  It’s only now, in 2017, that there are programs encouraging men to admit their suicidal feelings and thoughts, and own their own depression and emotional discomforts. 

I would say that the root of most domestic abuse stems from men who have felt out of control and powerless so they need to put this onto the most vulnerable and their closest family members. So instead of the women being the broken one, it was really the husbands or fathers behind her that were causing the pain. This is my family pattern and I’m not saying that all of women’s issues are because of abusive men. 

I know that partly one of the reasons I’m child-free is because I wanted to work out these dysfunctional patterns and not get trapped in a bad marriage with having to feed the kids.  I want to be one of the women in my family line that gets a chance at living a life more free of these traditional burdens, where I’m not stuck with being the punching bag for my partner.  Though I know we are all human, and all of us are fragile, I am confident that I won’t get so confused or triggered if a friend or male partner shows signs of serious mental health problems. I will give him the responsibility to go get the help he needs if he starts taking things out on me. Or I will know that it’s time to pack my bags and leave if it becomes abusive.  Fortunately, I won’t have to take care of any kids or negotiate child care or anything of that sort.  This is one of the many freedoms women get to have when they don’t have kids. A freedom I am grateful to have.

I would not have seen it this way, if I didn’t do the “My Family, My Life” Package.  I would have gone into years of therapy trying to get to the root of my low self-esteem, beating myself for being abused. In a matter of 2 sessions, I was able to see everything way more quickly. Then my true work of setting boundaries.

I would love to share this with you so you can have similar breakthroughs in areas that you may not be able to see clearly.  Through a process of working together, you and I can uncover unconscious layers that are affecting how you are relating to friends, family, yourself, money, work, creativity, etc.  In 2 sessions, we will reveal the core issue, in what many say would take 2 years of therapy. It’s not a replacement for therapy.  Rather it gives you the main issue you are dealing with, a new perspective or way of seeing it, and the wisdom required to break any cycles. Then you can take it to your therapist and really do the work to release it.

If this interests you, you can either book a FREE “Freedom to Be Yourself” Session and we can explore what issues you are facing, or you can book the "My Family, My Life Package" to get started.

Being a True Friend

Our world has a desire to put people into roles, and to create expectations of who we should be.  Many become parents and take on a certain identity or position of power, believing this is what it means to be an adult. Their focus is on raising the kids, as it should be, but it can be a distraction from doing the inner work of becoming healthier people in their community and circle.   For me, I know that when a friend would become pregnant or they were raising kids, our friendship could only go so deep. The children were a priority.  Which is fine, I get it. 

But as a child-free woman growing in self-love and self-awareness, I learned to set boundaries about who I allow in close to me. In my love circle, I only allow emotionally available people. I choose people who are present to who I am and I support them in who they are.  I find that it is often a one-way street in relationships with new parents or those with young children.  So I don’t put a lot of emotional investment in them. 

I have room in my life for parents of young kids, but they will be closer to the acquaintance-friend category for me, at least until the kids get older.  Some people will disagree with me, and that is fine.  I just know that all healthy relationships require an equal balance of give and take.  Parents of young kids don't have a lot to give others because their focus is elsewhere, which it should be. They can cultivate the friends who are also parents and get them at that stage of life. 

Which makes me realize that one of the great gifts of being without kids, is that I have grown and continue to do so, in having the mindset of being a friend.  I’m like this with young people, adults and my pet friends.  It means that I listen closely, respect the other being for who they are and what is in their hearts, and try to encourage them or offer some words of advice.

I am not into reprimanding or punishing someone, or having to make them do things against their will – like taking them to school if they don’t want to.  (Though with Max the dog, I do have to tell him to settle down when he barks too much).  

I also don’t want to give a false sense to someone that I own them or they have to relate with me if they don’t want to.  This is a program in most of us with families – that we have to be the loyal child or sibling just because we share the same DNA and upbringing. When the truth is that there can be a lot of wounds and mistrust from that relationship.

Most of all, though, I get to have emotional presence for others. Others get to feel seen and heard and ultimately loved and understood. I crave that from others, as well.  

Being a friend is a wonderful gift and one that I feel many child-free people have the chance to be for the world.  It brings in unconditional love, humour, sharing and no expectations for another to be a certain way.  To truly be a great friend requires, time, inner work and emotional presence – qualities that a lot of parents with young kids just don’t have much of unless it’s connected to their lifestyle. 

What does true friendship mean to you? Are there true friends in your life? What is one special thing you can do for them? What kind of a friend do you want to be?

Nature Walk in Silence for Child-free Women - Sep 8, 2017

We meet once a week on Friday mornings at 10 a.m. in Guelph for a Nature Walk in Silence. This is a chance for child-free women to share in what we enjoy best: silence, nature, friendship and feeling understood.

Each walk starts with an inspirational quote that we contemplate for the walk. We share what we want to release for the week, then walk in silence.  At the end of the walk, we talk about what showed up for us and what we want to bring in for the week.  

Each week, I will post the quote and a reflection or poem on what came up for me. 

Quote: "Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express our appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it." 
- Ralph Marston

Poem
Tormenting times
that distract
often lead us 
to appreciate
what is around us

This park with tall trees
has been here
since I was a child
quietly growing

Beneath my feet
lay a leaf
heart-shaped

simple reminders of what matters

Prioritize Your Inner Child the Way Parents Prioritize Their Kids

Recently on the “No Labour Day Pains” Teleclass for Child-free Women to set new learning and growth intentions for the next 6-9 months, we had some good discussions around what our heart wants versus what we believe we have to do. 

It became clear as we shared, that there are inner child wounds or beliefs that were formed with our experiences with school when we were younger.  We were given a lot of feedback about who we should be, what we should do with our lives and what makes us a "good" person from teachers, parents and the school system. But very few people asked us what we care about.

The true guides or teachers care about what is in our hearts and encouraged this out of us. They didn't care if we got good grades, but rather they want to see what lit us up and inspired us.

For example, I loved English class.  It spoke about the realities and philosophies of people and the world. There was depth, meaning, ways of seeing in it that gave me a feeling of being understood in my life path, while also navigating the world around me. It took me to other places and gave me answers that I was looking for.  I loved literature. And it was the lowest mark I got in school.

I was great at math and accounting and typing. I was set up to be in the world a wonderful administrative assistant or business person.  My talents for the world weren’t what I cared about.  But it got me by, even to this day.  My inner yearning, though, was writing, reading and psychology. It was who I was at the core – a thinker and a feeler.

Recognizing this part of us that tunes into what we love, despite what others or the world wants from us, is part of our inner child.  As child-free women, we have a chance to grow within and tune into what really makes us happy, inspired, fulfilled or desiring to make a contribution to the world.  Because it is an invisible part of ourselves, it can feel like we can put it off, not listen to it, take care of the things around us and just keep going.   But what if you were to treat your inner child the way parents treat their own kids.  What if you said “no” at work because you had to take your inner child to piano lessons? Or you told your friends or family that they can’t come over because you are writing your book? Or you let go of a committee you are sitting on because your inner child wants to daydream, meditate and go for nature walks? You see, parents have an automatic “out” with certain obligations. As child-free women, it seems we have to find some excuses, outright lie or just take on more stuff because others think we have all the time in the world.

But your time, your inner child and what you do with it is what will lead you to staying balanced, healthy and whole. You need it just as much as the parent needs to spend time with their children (and inner child, for that matter!).

What boundaries can you set so your inner child is feeling inspired, fulfilled and energetic? 

If you would like to tune more into your passions, take a day away in nature and enjoy being with other child-free women who are living their path of truth, please come out to the Nourish Your Inner Donkey Self-Discovery Day for Child-free Women.  We all have the silly, wise fool of the donkey in each of us – and we need it to enjoy a life of meaning and purpose.  Click Here for More Details    

Child-free Woman as Peacemaker

Conflicts and violence have been a big part of human history and we seem to be seeing more of it, especially because of the media’s immediate coverage and responses.  Tensions abound, fear of the other, and general ignorance seems to be taking over. 

Many sages and teachers say that to truly have peace on earth, we need to find peace within.  When we are stressed or drained or over-committed, we tend to step out of the present and feel threatened by every detail.  We also can become rigid or isolated because of having too much to do.  This is what I see in most people who are parents nowadays.  The requirements, obligations and necessities and social rules take over, and before they know it, they are beholden to their children’s lives. Even the strongest and most empowered parents, still have the stresses of caregiving.  Not that we don’t, as we may have our own responsibilities as child-free people and we may do caregiving for older parents, or other people’s children from time-to-time, or our own projects. But we aren’t tied to them the way parents are.

Because of this, I believe that Child-free Women have the beautiful chance to be the peacemakers of the world.  As women, many us have naturally been conditioned to be relationship-oriented (whether we like it or not) and tend to have a keen intuition or sense of group dynamics.  As Child-free people, we often have open minds, can see the big picture, and we tend to work on behalf of the collective well-being.  We also aren’t as attached to family loyalties, giving us the chance to see people for who they are, not the roles we want them to be in our lives.  We can spend our time finding our centre within, staying connected to the part of us that can make wiser choices rather than reactive choices.  

Ultimately, the combination of being a Child-free Woman means we have the capacity to bring more peace, love and connection to humanity and the world around us.

Many of us have a mission that can quietly or overtly benefit the world around us, usually with very little acknowledgment of our own hearts, unless we actively seek validation and recognition from our community.  We are community leaders, changemakers or social connectors, whether it be in our volunteering, day-to-day interactions, for non-profits, as entrepreneurs or in our corporate jobs.  We are rocking it somewhere through our capacity to relate with many.

For me, aside from supporting child-free women, I want to make the change in the world to end violence against women and sexism.  I also want to be an example of natural health and minimalistic living, as ways to honour all of earth’s habitants.  Feminine spirituality, divine connection and intuitive awareness are all important to me, as well.

What about you? What change do you want to make in the world as a child-free woman?

Being Committed to Yourself

The path of the child-free woman by choice is one that is unique.  It means we start our path of self-discovery  and tend to know the power of making choices. Even if the simple choice is: “I don’t want to have kids”. 

We can choose whether or not to continue to make empowering choices that lead to our self-awareness and personal freedom throughout our lifetime. We have the strength to make choices that aren’t necessarily socially conforming, but keep us true to ourselves.

Now I’m not saying that mothers don’t do this. Many of them make empowering choices in how they raise their children.  However, at least for those mothers who are active and embracing that path, they usually make a lot of self-sacrificing choices.

I have seen mothers have to wait until their middle age when the kids have grown up, to get back to themselves and what they enjoy. They have spent much of their years and energy on raising the kids and maintaining the semblance of family. 

Now it’s not to say we don’t struggle with similar issues. Our youth can make us over-extend ourselves to others out of people pleasing, and we can fall into the typical pattern most girls and women are conditioned, which is to put others’ needs before our own. 

As child-free women, we have the chance to shift this pattern that has been deeply engrained in the psyche of most women on the planet. The martyr archetype or the mothering role is deep within us, and it can lead to a whole host of problems, including health issues, feeling dissatisfied or withstanding a whole lot of abuse and neglect out of blind loyalty.

Shifting it means learning how to say ‘no’, making inner commitments to ourselves that we promise not to let go of, becoming assertive and tuning into our feelings, truth and intuition on a daily basis to gain the wisdom and insight needed for our lives. It’s having the courage to let go of relationships that are not mutually respectful and satisfying, a willingness to go it alone at times and speaking without shame or hiding about who we are and we are not.  All of this requires an ability to know our limits, desires, goals and truth, and communicating them to others with self-assuredness.

Committing to yourself can move mountains. It can bring in relationships with others who have shared interests. It can create a life for yourself that aligns with who you are and your personal rhythm. It can take you on new adventures. It can help you establish a deep peace within yourself that creates wonderful self-acceptance.

I would encourage you to commit something to yourself that is connected to you, regardless of anyone else’s opinion.  You’ve already done it with choosing to be child-free. Now let’s take it to another level!

For me, I’m committed to:

-holistic healing

-being a writer

-minimalism

Being committed to this makes sure I centre everything I do and I am about around these three things.  I have found my fiancé who is a musician (so open and supportive of the arts) and loves to live simply and renting (we won’t be buying a house or tons of property, which works well for both of us).  On the holistic healing front, well, that’s still not his thing, but it’s the one area I get to bring to the relationship.  He is learning a lot from me and it improves my ability to teach others who may not know or understand. But he’s not resistant to it and he knows it’s part of my path.

These commitments are my inner compass that keep me in my truth, regardless of others’ opinions, preferences or lifestyle choices. It makes me love who I am in entirety.

I would love to hear about your 3 commitments and how they help you live a stronger, more directed life that honours who you are. Please send me an email to: child.free.heart@gmail.com

Child-free Women and the Ancestral Lineage

There is a saying in indigenous spiritual traditions that believes that when we leave the spirit world to incarnate on earth, our ancestors cry at losing us and our earth family rejoices. When it is our time to return, those in spirit rejoice at seeing us again and our earth family mourns.  This gives us the sense that there is some reason or mission we are here to complete in the world, that made us leave the divine love of our spirit friends and join the earth plane of suffering.

In the past 8 years, I’ve delved deeply into the psyche of family and ancestral patterns through Family and Soul Constellations work.  The work has fascinated me because it helps clients see the blind spots and generational patterns that keep wanting to be expressed, no matter how difficult or painful it is. It brings meaning, clarity and understanding to that which is hidden or unknown. Tensions get released. Support can be brought in. Connection can happen.  We grow in our personal humility and wisdom.

The premise of Soul Constellations work is that we will often carry the burdens and challenges of our ancestors – people we may or may not have met.  There is just something in us that is drawn to the circumstances, dynamics and fates that our ancestors have experienced.

Through an embodied process, we start acknowledging their path with acceptance and even compassion. We then free ourselves from having to work out the issues that they faced and start living our lives.  It is known that our ancestors truly do want us to be happy and free, but they also want the respect and acknowledgment to be sure their lives were not lived in vain.

For child-free women by choice, we are in a unique position in the family system.  We have actively claimed that we don’t want to continue the ancestral line.  Some of us may have had abortions and miscarriages as part of our process. We may have had to make tough choices, choices in the face of family pressure. Or it may be because we have been deeply hurt by our family system that we have decided not to carry forward the dysfunction. There may be an aspect of us that rejects the people we have come from, or we want to be victorious over a family pattern, such as women forsaking their dreams and happiness for the sake of child-rearing.  Or there just may be circumstances behind you where there was war and suffering, and you innately know that it is not safe to bring a child into the world out of protecting an innocent person from that fate.  Another possibility is that we may come from strong women role models who encouraged us to stand in our freedom and truth and take a non-traditional path as a woman.

Regardless of why, we know within our gut that we want to be free, but we may end up holding ourselves back in ways we don’t even realize.  We may attract loveless relationships, or sabotage our careers.  All because we don’t want to be bigger than our parents, grandparents or great grandparents. We stay small in some way.

My aim as a Soul Constellations facilitator for Child-free Women is to support you in your becoming and to help you shed the past and what is holding you back – whether in loyalties to your parents and ancestors, or limited beliefs.  I see you as the one who is ready and able to shed the family karma in your system, bringing true freedom, peace and actualization of all of your ancestors’ hopes, dreams, struggles and victories. You have the chance to truly know the joy of living, and make a big difference in the lives of others.

I saw a quote while I was living in Oaxaca by an Aztec poet.  It said something to the effect that the one who does not have children is the one in the family who is tying up the knots of the family quilt.  I truly believe this in my heart and soul and honour those who are here to complete the work that is needed so they may return to their spiritual home when they pace with peace of heart and mind.  

Please join me at the Embrace Your Heart Healing Retreat Series for Child-free Women in Guelph to explore and free yourself from all that is keeping you contained or withheld from actualizing your life.  We will do Soul Constellations work there among other wonderful activities and techniques.