From Disgruntled Aunt to Cool Aunt

I am an aunt or as my niece and nephew call me, “tìa”, in Spanish because their dad is from Latin America.

I never really thought much about being an aunt or what that would mean.  In the Western culture, there really isn’t much weight to that role. It just kind of happens to you because a sibling decides to procreate. 

When I found out that my sister was pregnant, I honestly went through mixed emotions.

Being a child-free woman myself, who wanted women’s freedom and rights outside of child-rearing, and to be a good citizen in the face of overpopulation and environmental problems, I honestly wasn’t keen on the idea of my sister having children.  She was also in a relationship that, through my perspective and how it’s come to unfold, was deeply dysfunctional. I saw the family pain being passed on to the next generation with each contraction she had when she was giving birth. 

I also despised the fact that I would now be coerced into having to join the cultural system of giving them gifts just because they are kids, and assuming that I would be babysitting them. I had to keep emphasizing to my sister and others that I was child-free for a reason…which would make me feel a bit like a mean b*tch at times – because always in the back of people’s minds there’s the unflinching perspective of “How could you not like kids? How could you not be excited about being an aunt?”

So I would hide my true feelings on the matter and not speak too openly about how it really was for me.  I had no motivation to do the sisterly thing of baby showers and decorating and painting the baby rooms. It all just seemed so wrong on so many levels.

The only thing, at the time, that excited me about being an aunt was that I could load the kids with sugar and candy, have a rockin’ fun time with them for about an hour or two and then send them on their way back home for their parents to deal with. 

So on the day my niece was born, I had a mix of emotions from terror for her life and future and feelings of “Wow! She’s so bloody cute”.  I knew the dynamics she was being born into, yet I felt this automatic bond to her. I sent a blessing into her heart quietly that said: “no matter what, follow your dreams,” hoping she wouldn’t forget where she came from and who she was in the mire of family chaos.

I didn’t take an active role at all. I lived in a different city, and did my own thing.  Even still, I knew that there was a little being out there who I helped into the world, who I felt a mix of love and concern for. No one else caught me like that before, and by her very presence, she made me be responsible to my own dreams – that is, to walk my talk.  Because of her, I learned to speak Spanish and I travelled to Latin America so I could understand her culture. I also took art classes while I was there, which was one of my true dreams. I wanted to be a role model to her that there are people in our family who cared to live from the heart and soul and it’s possible to not get caught in the materialism of the world.

Then my sister had a second child, a boy, and I was there for his birth, as well. In fact, I came back from Mexico on his due date. So much for being an aloof aunt.  I had no idea what had gotten into me and what moved me to be so dedicated. It really wasn’t like me.

So when he was born, which was quick and in a jiffy, I felt this energy of needing to protect him.  I saw his vulnerability and I had deep fear within me that he would take on the pain of his father’s side of the family, who were people who worked for the military in Latin America. They had a macho-code that passed on to the men on that side and I wanted to do everything in my power to not have him be influenced by this. He was too precious to become a soldier, in my mind.  Yet I had to let go and trust that this is not my child and this is his fate on some level.

And then I realized that unique pain of being an aunt, especially in our culture.  We don’t have a say in the upbringing of the children. We are expected to be there for them on a physical and practical basis, but if you cross the line of giving any wisdom, perspective or guidance, most parents get defensive and won’t listen to what we have to say. Aunts carry an ache in wanting make sure these kids don’t get hurt and yet become responsible citizens on the planet, whereas the parents are wrapped up in making them into mini-versions of themselves or living up to some kind of codes of achievement.  Aunts have enough detachment and distance to see what is need to put these kids on the path of freedom, kindness and conscientiousness. But often the aunt’s position is not one that is taken seriously.

Only now that my niece is a teenager do I feel I can offer her something of value. She is now starting to think on her own, question her family upbringing, and make choices that speak to her. She knows I’ve always had her back and been in her corner, advocating for her to be free of abusive or socialized dynamics. I am the only person in her family who truly sees the pain she’s been in, more than she realizes, and I know there is a sacred position in helping her through into the light of her soul and truth. 

It’s only now that I’m truly understanding the deep worth of the cool aunt in a teenager’s life and how we have the chance to be spiritual liberators for them, if they so choose to break out of the confines of their family of origin.

So as a child-free mentor, I also embrace the title of Cool Aunt, as I believe both roles do similar work – to care about the wisdom, happiness and freedom of girls and women in the truest sense.

I would love to see more respect and honour in our families and society for the position of being an aunt. Fortunately, there is an Aunt and Uncle Day – on July 27^th so there is some movement in that direction. Apparently in the States 50% of women are without kids and in the role of being an aunt.  This feels like a positive shift and something that shows that nurturing and wisdom, not just procreating, are coming into our world more. 

I would love to hear any stories you have about being a child-free woman and an aunt. How has it been for you? Any struggles or challenges? I’d love to hear your feedback.

If you feel you would like to expand your spirit and fulfill your life as a child-free woman, please visit: www.TheChildfreeHeart.com to find out more ways I can help you.