Since I was a kid, I have always been ambitious. I think it started with an insatiable need to compete with my older sister. She knew how to ride a bike, walk on her own to
school, buy really cool clothes, kiss boys, connect to spirits on the other side and leave home for the sake of her truth. I
looked up to her in many ways and in other ways I resisted her, too. She liked the colour pink, played with dolls
and wanted so much to be a mom and work with kids. She grew up to be a shopaholic, passionate
lover of dangerous men, and conforms into the suburban, middle-class lifestyle.
Whereas I’m a super-sensitive minimalist, child-free woman who
prefers travelling, natural health and artistic expression – traits that were
actually more like my mother. I did well at school, was a bit of a loner and questioned everything to death. I never wanted to have kids, I hated shopping, and I loved quirky, out-of-the-box people. I planned things out in my life, diligently worked on a stamp collection and would strive to do well at anything I set my mind to. I had a strong will and a love of concepts and ideals. T.V. bored me to tears. My sister would call me a "contrarian". My mother called me a "late bloomer". I called me a "maverick".
When I was about 2 years old, my mother fell into a
depression. She was in a relationship with my father who was a womanizer and
gambling addict and he neglected her and the relationship. She also didn’t have
a family background of emotionally caring people. They were very much about perfectionism and
living up to an image and ideals. She was hospitalized for depression and I had
to stay with my grandparents. I missed her greatly and wanted her to come home,
looking at her portrait and yearning for my mother’s love. It was my first grief.
Fast forward to being in grade school. I excelled at math
and public speaking. I did well at
public speaking because my mom put her attention on me and gave me all the encouragement
and guidance on how to present myself to the world. She taught me the ins and outs of what it
takes to be a leader because of what she observed with her father who overcame
this fear himself. I made it to the
semi-finals 4 years in a row. Until grade 8.
That was the year, when 2 weeks before I had to give a speech in front
of my class, that my mother was hospitalized again for depression, for similar
reasons as before – a husband who mistreated her, working in a job she hated,
and feeling the weight and burden of having to be everything to everybody. She
had nothing left for herself. At the time, I didn’t understand that. All I knew
was that my mother was gone, sad and unavailable. And I had no one to write my
speech with me.
On the day I had to stand up and speak, I was completely
unprepared. I broke down in tears in front of my classmates. They expected that
I would be shining, winning the prize yet again, and fully capable. It felt
humiliating, even though it was probably the best thing that happened to keep
me humble, that I was human, too, and I had my crazy home life to contend with.
After that point, I gave up on trying to succeed. I didn’t
make goals or strive for anything more. I believed I would inevitably fail.
Even when I succeeded at small things, it somehow didn’t matter. It wasn’t the
same – I just wanted my mom there, to be proud of me, and to hold my hand and
tell me I was going to make it. Otherwise, it felt like empty success. So I’d
stay in the shadows of leader-types, or actors or public speakers. I’d let them
do the talking while I’d watch them get the applause.
Through therapy and inner work, I have had to regain
confidence in my ability to write and publically speak. And in the last 2
years, I’ve had the floodgates open up. I had a book launch, I’ve been asked to
speak publically by various people, and I’ve done online webinars. And I’m
excited about being a spokesperson for the child-free movement.
So what I’ve learned from this whole experience is that:
1)
In order to succeed at something, we need the
support of a loving, encouraging and caring person – not just a webinar series
or a manual
2)
At some point, we have to go out on our own and
apply our knowledge. Everyone leaves our lives for various reasons, even though
they touch our lives in some way that puts us on our path.
3)
In order to feel successful, we need the
emotions to be involved – to feel appreciated, cared about and seen and heard
for who we are on the inside
4)
Women mentors and guides are a lifelong need for
me because I didn’t have enough of it consistently in my childhood. A mentor makes the difference for me in making
my inner heart’s desires come true, and someone who I get to choose, if they
are willing, to support me on the path of life to succeed in whatever area so I
can feel content, fulfilled and at peace with who I am and what I’ve
contributed.
All of these are reasons why I also want to pay it forward
and be a mentor to child-free women. I believe child-free women are on the path
of success and fulfillment of their inner heart and they just need someone who “gets
it” and wants to help them to step into their confidence, talents and
abilities. I believe that a happy and
healthy woman is evolutionary rather than a stressed out woman who has to
sacrifice her needs in order to care for a smaller being. Although a noble and
necessary task to raise a human, the mother in the end, takes the toll.
So if this speaks to you, and you want to explore working
together so you can get the support to succeed in any area of your life where
you are validated for who you are and where you are in your life, please apply
for a “Nurture Your Soul” Session through my site at: www.childfreeheart.com
Here’s to your sense of fulfillment and joy in the world…
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