Family, Ancestors and Being Child-free

I’ve never been a family person.  I have found most family dynamics to be abusive, neglectful and painful.  It could be because of being a child of divorce, or seeing abusive dynamics in the home, or knowing that each family member was feeling hurt, misunderstood and betrayed because of the severe lack of communication, connection and boundaries.  Either way or for whatever reasons – personal and collective, I find the family unit to be terrifying, abandoning and down-right domineering and toxic.  Even the most caring of families, still have their silent codes of agreement that can block a person from being in their truth, strength and joy.

There's gossip, presumptions, expectations and unspoken demands. To me it can be another form of gang warfare and bullying. I’ve been the bully and I’ve been bullied in my family. It’s just all bad and everyone had to get away from each other because the only way we brought out the best in each other was from conflict that led to isolation which led to having to strengthen oneself.

So when I went into the work of Family Constellations, created by Bert Hellinger, I was hesitant. The last thing on the planet I wanted to do was re-connect to family systems and the ancestors.  I had actively worked hard to liberate myself from the insanity of family dynamics and find my own truth. Wasn’t it my family’s fault that I existed or was alive? Wasn’t it their yearning to have me be born that caused me to be on the planet of trauma? Wasn’t it their pain and suffering they passed on to me that made me want to self-destroy? Wasn’t it their lack of love and care that made my life a living hell at times? Why would I want to even engage with such people? I saw their shame and guilt and abusiveness in subtle and overt ways. I could see the ways the mothers and the fathers dominated and took the joy out of the hearts of everyone.

To be drawn back and asked to look at all the dynamics that kept me separated was not something I thought I’d ever wanted to do. But I had come to my path with many questions and painful experiences from leaving my family behind and wondered “Why me? Why did I have to be the one that questioned the family system? Why did I have to actually care about being conscious or that I wanted to be treated with dignity and respect?”  See, I’m of the belief that nothing good comes from the “family at all costs” mentality.  It’s rampant in our culture.  Instead of looking at why we turn a blind eye to the pedophile in the family, or we excuse grandpa from his past of physical abuse of our parent, or how the family’s narcissism has warped the young to be in beauty pageants and their self-worth is only connected to their looks, we have this blanket belief as a society that family must stick together.  Even if your family is a drug-dealing criminal ring. It’s family above all else.

As a child-free woman, I also had no desire to carry forward the family lineage. Yet, because of that, this also added to the wound within the family. There’s an automatic belief, which is probably true, that I’m rejecting my ancestors because I’m not willing to procreate.   One of the reasons I’m child-free is that I don’t want to bring forward the pain, suffering and darkness to the next generation, and that my family has given me such little support that I know I would end up as an impoverished single mother if I even went down that path. It required more courage and energy to do that than what I could muster and I’m not a sucker for punishment and suffering just for the sake of the mother code.

So what value do I see as a child-free woman in the ancestral lineage, doing Family Constellations work?

First of all, I see that it is a chance to resolve unknown pain within my energy field. It comes from the idea that once one person heals in the family system, then it heals past, present and future generations. From my experience with Constellations and with seeing parents and children, the purpose of embodiment is to grow in consciousness and to have the family system acknowledge unknown pain from the ancestors.  So essentially, children will carry forward the wounds and problems of the parents and the ancestors until the family system learns the lessons of love, wisdom and respect. Unfortunately, that means that innocent beings end up getting damaged and beaten up just being the sheer fact of being born and having to deal with the chaos of their human caregivers.

The premise is that when the balance of karma can be resolved, there is no need to procreate.

It reminds me of an Aztec saying I read while I was staying in Oaxaca City, Mexico that implied that if a person doesn’t have children in their lifetime it means they are tying the knots of the family quilt. This means that our work is done for our ancestors and family system and there is no need to continue it onwards.

Secondly, being a child-free woman is a particular position within the family system that often goes unsupported and may even be ridiculed. For me, I’m doing it for the mothers in my ancestral lineage who were unhappy and unfulfilled and couldn’t follow their dreams. I see their oppression, the abuse and the inequalities and I’m saying “stop the madness”. I’m doing it for the aunts in my system who couldn’t or didn’t want to have children and instead made a difference in society but were unsupported and unseen.  I’m doing it for the women who died during childbirth and never had a chance to reach their potential. I’m doing it for the men who felt unconsciously guilty for having all the power and are ready to see a woman step forward with her strength and independence. I’m doing it for the parents who were exhausted and depressed and filled with regrets for pro-creating. I’m doing it for all the people who got neglected because parenting took up all of their energy and they had to turn away from those in need. I’m doing it for the women who had abortions and miscarriages and didn’t have any societal support and were shamed. I’m doing it for the women who lost their children too soon. I’m doing it for the men who never wanted to be fathers but did it because the women got pregnant. I’m doing it for the smart girls and women who saw through the pressures and wanted to cultivate their intelligence but were ostracized and teased and condemned. I’m doing it for the Earth and all beings, knowing that humans are fundamentally destructive and can be very inconsiderate to beings outside of their own species or tribe.

For all of these reasons and probably more, I do it for my ancestors.

So as a Constellations Facilitator, I approach the work in a way where I want to see my clients move forward from their family, not towards them. I want them to see the deeper layers that keep them stuck in the loyalties of patterns of relating that make them want to join the pack in a "not-so-loving or healthy way". I take the teachings from the Constellations work that highlight the fact that most acts of evil are committed because of the powerful need to belong. 

I want to break that belonging cord and encourage each participant to question exactly why and how they are choosing to relate to the people and beings they do, so they can actually make a different, healthier and more informed choice and let go of the cycle of abuse and neglect.  This is why I changed the name to “Soul Constellations” rather than “Family Constellations” because it is about releasing all beings from the dysfunctionality so they can experience true sovereignty, peace and connection in their hearts, lives and bodies.

Now some will say I have a bias against families and that there is an evolutionary function to them. I would agree on both things. My bias against families is that I’ve seen far too much wounding and unhealthy attachments that people carry because of families. I support people creating a chosen family and something that can meet their needs creatively, emotionally and physically.   I would suggest that in order to create that in a healthy, clear and centred way, we do need to look at our family of origin so we are not perpetuating the dysfunction.  But to stay with the family system without examining it can be dangerous or at least depleting.  The truly evolutionary movement is about looking at each person and saying “no I will not accept that, but yes, I will accept this.” So, in essence, it is about moving away from them with a sense of understanding and compassion and inviting support for that which breaks the pain cycle. And if there is any forward movement or movement towards, it is done from a true heart-centred place rather than from a place of obligation, guilt or shame. I

Thisis about creating authentic relating rather than relating based on power dynamics.  It is also about respecting and honouring the ancestor who carried that suffering so you don’t have to and feel the strength of support available from past generations to continue on your path.

For example, from the work I have done on both sides of the family, I came to understand some key points on what motivates me in the world.  My ancestors came to North America from France, England, Ireland and Germany during the pioneering days.  They have lived in the States and Canada and fought in the Civil War.  I am sure they are responsible for the atrocities of the genocide of First Nations people but I don’t know exactly in what way.  I do know that leaving Europe came from their acts of rebellion against the Church and the Monarchy.  So for me, democracy and freedom are important values, along with reconciliation issues with the First Nations Peoples in Canada, and taking care of the Earth.  Women’s rights are on the forefront, as well, because of the suffering the women in my family had under patriarchal religion and I’m sure some of them were suffragists given their paths of leaving their families behind. 

Knowing these qualities of all the reasons my ancestors did what they did (good, bad and ugly), gives me a strength of purpose in the world and a vision to not take their journeys and struggles in vain.  It makes me step into a humble position rather than an “I don’t need ya” arrogant position, and ensures I stay compassionate to the frailty in all of us.

So if you’re wanting to step forward a little bit more on your path, and want to get the depth of understanding who you are and why you are where you are and how to get out of unconscious loyalties so you can have true freedom and peace, please consider signing up for The Child-free Legacy Package.  Because I want to see happier and more free women in the world.

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Heather Embree is a professional Intuitive, Child-free Mentor, Retreat Facilitator and Author.

She is a child-free woman who knew from a young age that she wanted to do other things with her life than raise and take care of children. She wanted to make a difference in the lives of others and the Earth, and come into her own creative potential. 

She supports child-free women to expand their spirits and fulfill their lives.  For more info, visit: www.TheChildfreeHeart.com

Your Child-free Legacy

On the life path, many of us feel a calling to make some kind of impact in the world, to have our influence that shows we existed and we mattered.

Many parents feel their legacy is through birthing kids and raising them – which means their name lives on, their quirks and things they care about are expressed through the generations, and they are seen in family photos long after they have died. Some pass on their businesses to the next generation, others do family charity events while others give the inheritance of property and money to the kids and grandkids. They are at least seen and acknowledged by the family for who they are, even if they were healthy or unhealthy people.

But what about your legacy when you don’t have children? How does that need get filled when you don’t have descendants? What makes you particularly special in the fact you didn’t have kids?  Where are your eternal gifts and influence going to be made to make the world a better place?

What if I were to tell you that your legacy has to do with the fact you chose (consciously or unconsciously) to be child-free in your family, and that you are part of the evolutionary step forward for your ancestors?  That the key to your fulfillment can be found in the faces of where you came from, giving you the strength, encouragement and support of making a difference amongst humanity? 

Often times, we think it is obvious – well, I’m child-free because I saw my mother suffering from being a single mother, or it was a difficult childbirth, or because I am gay and never wanted to fit into the traditional model of family. 

But I want to take it deeper, where you really tune into the reality of the consciousness (hopes, dreams, struggles and perspectives) that have shaped you and all those before you. Where you discover what it is that your lineage has been trying to work out through you, even though they may not be aware of it.

I will share with you my personal experience with this.  I have only been able to come to this from doing my own growth work with Family/Soul Constellations (which I can explain another time), meditation and support groups, which has formed my understanding so far.

My parents divorced when I was 3 years old and it was an ugly marriage breakup that still is rife with conflict to this day.  Both my parents admit that they never should have married in the first place, nor have kids, but they did it out of social pressure.  Both parents are non-conformists and rebels. They try to buck the system every chance they can get. My father is a gambling addict who chooses to opt out of the system, and my mother is an artist who married someone from a different cultural background, despite the white superiority in her family and with my father. It was her next “rebellious act” towards love and freedom.

So here is little me, just looking to be loved and to have a family.  But I don’t have parents who genuinely want to care for me. I see that they feel trapped, stuck, burdened and unhappy with being in the role of parent.  Yes, it’s not ideal, and it created neglect, but I somehow “got it”. I was one of many kids who had parents who weren’t honest with who they were and instead created a whole lot of suffering for me and their lives by going along with social ideals.  On top of that, I was born into a patriarchal and racist lineage in their views of white superiority (not in a violent or overtly hateful way), where my mother was striving to undo this through taking us to Jamaica to live and also marry a man of colour.  While in a different culture where I was a privileged racial minority, I had to witness the effects of slavery, white privilege and racial conflict first hand in my home and in the world. I had to understand cultural assumptions and presumptions from my Canadian culture, and turn everything on its head in order to grow in compassion for the depth of suffering in the world. 

These experiences made me into someone who cares deeply about personal and spiritual liberation by being a non-conformist, and being as authentic with oneself as possible. Because I didn’t grow up with a father figure, I had to learn about being a woman who can take care of herself, form her own opinions and beliefs, and to be a role model for other girls and women to take care of themselves without needing to depend on a husband or a man. 

I formed a deep care for multi-culturalism and racial harmony and women’s equality, respecting each person’s uniqueness. 

Now, what does this have to do with the ancestors?

Well, through the window of my parents’ eyes, I saw all the socialized influences they carried and every way they were trying to liberate themselves from the ego-dances, roles and systems that repressed them and the karma that was out of balance. 

But when I even went back one generation using a Soul Constellations technique, I discovered that even though I see my parents as free spirits and moving on their own path, I realized that they both still had strong loyalties and emotional ties to their narcissistic parent of the opposite sex.  They were the replacement spouses energetically for their parents.   So they never ultimately could have a successful marriage with each other because they had yet to let go of the parent they were loyal to.  Ironically, they got married because of parental pressure and they divorced because of it. 

In all of it, each of them throughout their lives were trying to rebel against their parent and do everything the opposite to what that parent wanted them to become.  For example, my father’s mother wanted him to become a millionaire so instead he self-sabotaged and became a gambling addict. The fact is, he lived his whole life in reaction to her rather than charting out what was right for him.

So for me, my teaching is to break my loyalty ties with my mother – I was her replacement spouse for her while she was in an unhappy marriage. Part of my legacy is befriending myself and my truth, finding a partner who is right for me, not out of parental approval, and be willing and able to be in a relationship without pressure from my family’s influence. I am here to figure out what true love is within myself and in a relationship.  I am to let go of my loyalties of focusing on making her happy, and instead turn my focus to the world and ask what kind of service I can offer it based on my inheritance of talents and gifts.

My other challenge is to be sure I’m not living in reaction to my father or my mother out of rejecting them, but simply to tune into my own standards.  At one point, I felt I was trying to overcompensate for their issues, righting the wrongs of their approach and outlooks. It was exhausting and it was filled with shame and guilt which isn’t life-giving. When what I’m simply meant to do is acknowledge that I can see the suffering in their lives, how they treat themselves and others, and learn from that wisdom to walk in a different way that ensures I am balanced in my relationships. I am meant to find my soul family where there is healthy relating of giving and receiving and we share the same values. It commits me to making a difference in the world that brings more harmony amongst people, rather than living a self-centred life.

And on top of it all, I am here to end the cycle of suffering that comes from procreating “just because everyone says you should”, because the misery of attachment and the outcome of interpersonal conflict is just too great and overwhelming.

So through all of this I discovered that my legacy is service towards those who want to live as authentically as possible as child-free women. I do this for my mom, my dad, all the ancestors who got married and had kids because they didn’t know any differently and ended up in misery or suffering, and I do it to express the higher gifts of art, travel and creative passion that my ancestors cultivated in their lives. I do it for the women who didn’t get a chance to fulfill their minds and come into their own. I do it for the men who subjugated those women and the men in my lineage who saw the beauty and potential in their wives.

I also receive the skills, talents and abilities of my ancestors who had an entrepreneurial spirit, loved to paint and read poetry, strove for freedom and wanted to start rebellions. They are all a part of me and I want their journeys to making a more peaceful, wonderful, free world to be actualized through me.

Stepping into this knowing has given me a sense of strength, clarity and direction in ways that felt mucky and lost before. I know I still have more layers and my path will shift and evolve, but this grounds my work and truth in the world and helps me direct it in other ways.

So I want to help you find your legacy – the spiritual inheritance that you get from your family system so you can take one step further towards freedom, fulfilment and genuine happiness.

I created the “Your Child-free Legacy” package which is a 2-session package where we explore your unique dynamics and family system and discover what lessons you are here to learn and how you can let go of some of your unconscious loyalties in your family. You will see that your choice of being child-free was pre-planned and there was a greater message you were wanting to give to the world.

We do a meditation together to find out what your spirit wanted to do before you were born, and we lay out your family system using sacred objects and we discover what needs to be birthed next in your life. There are videos that will guide you and you will also automatically be a part of the Persephone’s Heart Society.

I offer this on an ongoing basis, but for the month of March, I’m giving $40 off because I’m turning 40 years old.  Did you know that in indigenous traditions, if a woman didn’t birth a child by the time she was 40 years old she was considered to be on her path of fulfilling her purpose.  Wooheee! Not all traditions are wanting women to be pregnant!  Here’s to 40 years old and a life full of purpose.

I have over 7 years as a spiritual consultant, group facilitator, seer/medium, holistic healer and soul constellations practitioner.  I have been passionate about helping people see the deeper layers of their patterns and to gain the wisdom so they have more lightness and well-being in their lives.  I also have a background as an activist for human rights and women’s issues and understand the layers that culture, inequality, oppression and social assumptions have on dragging our spirits down.

So if you’d like to take advantage of this offer that can propel you further into living your truth in the world, please click here to get the details about “Your Child-free Legacy” Package. I can’t wait to see who you’re meant to be in this world!